your neediness is a turn off...

Yep, I imagine it is. I know I don't like needy, perhaps that is why I like you. You probably don't know this but you are one of two people I have been involved with that didn't need anything from me. No money, no place to stay, no one to make a fricken doctor's appointment for you...I get lost sometimes thinking about how nice it is to just have someone enjoy me and not take anything.

That being said, I am not sure that I see the needy thing. Yes, I am lonely sometimes. I hate the holidays and this is my first year alone in a very long time. I do enjoy my time with you very much, and I struggle to see what is wrong with that. I get mixed messages. You say, I want you here but I am lazy so push. I push and get told to chill out. I thought we were friends...that may have been part of it. I can be just physical.

I have been dealing with a lot lately that I have never been brave enough to deal with before. I thank you and N along with a few close friends for that. Lately I feel so strong and sexy and in control, so I thought I could face it. But, I can't - it still hurts me too much and it makes me cling to something that feels good. Unfortunately, that falls on the handful of people in my life I trust.

I have usually dealt with things by using other substances, and it worked since I was about 10 years old. I never felt anything for anyone ever! Now my heart is open, and it hurts and it is scary and I am afraid I am still worthless. No matter what I accomplish, it will never be enough. I am smart, I am nice, I am selfless, I am funny, and I hate myself most of the time because of all that has happened to me.

I was glad to know I can care about people finally, but never learned the rules. Never stayed around long enough to know there were any...but here I am, trying to stay and obviously fucking up in your opinion. I can only be myself, but I need to know what is expected of me to do the right thing. One night stand, I am good at that. Relationship, well...I suck at that!  Only physical...I can do that, but just tell me what I need to do to keep you  happy with it or let's end it.  I know I may like you too much because when I think of you, a Phoenix song generally pops in my head...they are my favorites...they make me happy, as do you.

Nathan withdraws all the time because we are so far apart and he doesn't want to hurt me. But when we are together we are lovely and wonderful and happy. I feel that way with you. Safe. I have told you secrets I've never even told him. Maybe because I know you aren't my boyfriend and I don't need you to love me, and I don't have to worry as much about what my past means for our future. With him, I fear he will stop loving me if he knew.

I miss him, but I like you too. I want you both for now. Part of me wishes that one of you would just say that I can't see the other because I have never been with two people at the same time before. He says it makes him sick to know I am with you. Up until a few months ago, I would have dropped anyone for him. You were able to get my mind off of missing him for awhile - thank you.

Look, I want to believe you are a nice guy and you enjoy me and for whatever reason you are freaked out right now and it will pass. However, I still need respect as I would never try to disrespect you. I am, unfortunately, a product of my dysfunctional family.

I am feeling batshit crazy today and embarrassed about that. But you have to understand were I come from and have worked very hard to move past. You see, if I had a gold tooth in my mouth they'd kick me in the face to get it. My entire life they have been vultures, yet I would still do anything for them - I am a fool! That is why I have been so easy to take advantage of...

I am sick of being sorry, but I still fucking am.