making the journey...

Ok, I admit...I have been in therapy. I guess I am really not that embarrassed about it because it was helpful at the time. Just nice to let it all out without fear of judgment or backlash. I started going to therapy on a regular basis several years ago when my father was arrested. I sort of had a mental breakdown of sorts, and it was all I could do to get out of bed each day and not fear losing my job.

I have always been a very reactive person who never left one to wonder how I was feeling. Unfortunately, this expression of emotion has caused a lot of discomfort for myself and those who know me and try to love me. I have always been one to jump to conclusions or blame you for something that someone else did to me years before, though none of you deserved it.

Not knowing what to do outside of ripping out the hair on my own head or some unlucky person at a bar, I reached out to Diane - my counselor. I was drinking a lot, smoking a lot, fighting a lot, crying a lot, hating a lot...and other BS. She told me to get a copy of "The Power of Now" by E. Tolle and told me to read it. She said if I gave it a chance it would change my life. Well, I didn't get it or read it -  of course it was all BS anyway, right?! I would get through it and everyone else would just have to deal with it.

A few years later, my boyfriend J and I were having some problems and I was about to start grad school. The night before my first class, he said he wanted to make it work with me and we would talk about it that next night after class. I knew he had been seeing an 18 year old, but wasn't sure how far it had gone. Always too forgiving, I agreed to stay together. That next night I called him on my first break, and he said he would be home by the time I got there...he never came. I called him and he said he was staying at a friend's house. I said, "NO, you told me we would work this out. Please come home." To which he responded, "Don't tell me what the fuck to do mother fucker". I could cry just thinking about it now - that was like a knife in my heart. But, this time I had enough...I didn't need that, not now and not ever. He was NEVER going to change, but I was determined to.

I called my mother and my best friend and cried through telling them what happened and how it was over. I figured if I told them, they would not let me ever take him back. I got off the phone, smoked some cigarettes, and began packing all of his shit in bags. Then I called him and told him it was over and I was throwing him out - all his stuff packed and ready to be picked up tomorrow or thrown outside.

He did come and he cried and he pleaded, but I stood strong. He left, I fell apart. Who was I? I didn't even know anymore. I had given up so much of who I used to be to fit in with our relationship. A pattern I followed too frequently. I wanted to die. All I could think about or see was him and this girl. I felt insignificant, I felt stupid, I felt ugly, I felt betrayed, I felt angry. Then I learned of other people he had seen the whole 3 years. I was so out of it, and I couldn't recognize myself or the person I wanted to be. I met with Diane and remembered the book, but this time she gave me a copy and this time I read it.

It changed me. It saved me. It got me through my life for the next several years while I practiced the here and now. But, as time went on...I lost the discipline and fell right back to dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. Things happened that took me right back to the unhappy and less than stable person I used to be when I was full of pain. I was told by someone I care about that I was overwhelming. I know this...but, sometimes I go on autopilot and can't stop. This is something I do to prevent the anxiety. It is never good for me or those around me, but it is a compulsive need to reach out and reduce anxiety that I find hard to shake.

I don't want to disappoint that person or anyone else. So, I took my book back out and have been doing a second read. I already feel and know the difference. I am back in the here and now. Feeling connected and accepting of it all.

E xperiencing