isn't that what i wanted?...

So, for the past few months there has been this guy K that I have talked to on occasion. He keeps asking me out, but up until now I have respectfully declined. One reason is that I did not want to start seeing one more guy in the cities. Another reason is that I feel I am really only interested in three people right now (N, D, and H). Yet another reason is that he seems very serious. I am not very serious. The other day he sent me a text saying that he has liked me from the very beginning and that if I am ready for a commitment to let him know since he is NOT looking for anything casual. 


Strangely, I am. I do not want a boyfriend at this point. It sounds weird or unbelievable, but it is true. Granted I don't generally pick the best men or boys to get in a relationship with, but I change in relationships too and I don't like that. I like being with one person - I do. It feels comfortable and safe (STD issues, trust can build, you can just be yourself make up or none, sex is great when you focus on one partner), but it also makes people try to control the other. We can not own other individuals. You can't force someone to be with only you. You can hope they like you enough to do so, but trust me when I say smothering someone pushes them away. I have been on both sides of this. I hate to not be trusted, but I also hate to be told what to do.


If I like you and we are together, I will not be with another. If I don't, well then I will most certainly not be with you. And if you won't commit, neither will I! So, if I am with only you, I promise I am not with anyone else. Right now, that is not the case :(


N made it very clear in NYC that he cared about me and wanted to be with me, but this is not our time. His job, his location, etc. It all sucked and it hurt because we have been doing this for over 10 years. But, I can't just sit around and wait. So, I start dating - that was hard!!!!  I wanted him! 


I met a bunch of frogs, then I met D. It was shady, and I should have gone about it a different way...but, several weeks later I am still way into him.  He is the first person I have been able to get into outside of N. I am not letting this go anytime soon, but that raises the dilema...N does not want me with D. I want D, I want N. I also want H, but he is married. I can't have him?!!!  Get it through my head - he is not available even though he wants me...we almost had sex...I am glad we didn't, but I also regret that I didn't do more before I knew the truth. 


I swear I want all three. They are all smart, they are all witty - I laugh so much, the smile is permanent, they are all into great music, they are so unique and not cookie cutter, they are physically perfectly imperfect, they all make me feel super hot, they make my body respond without effort, they appreciate the parts of me others rarely see. Blissful and dirty!


Then there is K, who tells me he could fall for me. I am so beautiful.  Sends me random daily texts or voice notes saying he is thinking of me. That is what I thought I wanted. Now I have these guys that I am lucky to talk to 1-2/wk and I can't get enough. 


(side bar - as I write this N's friend B sent me a text reading - hey stranger, what's up?) Weird!  I am telling you N gets me every time. It's hopeless though, because at this point, I am a crazed person who just wants sex and attention...wow!!!  I am like a guy...


Anyway, I appreciate K, but I think this just goes to show I am with "the unavailables" b/c I am not ready to be in a relationship. I fear the jealousy, the possession, the obligation, the finality. I welcome the fun, the freedom, and the kink that comes with my chemical romance and sweet daddy. HAP is done. He is hot and turns me on, but I am not a homewrecker!!!!


E