letter i will never send because i am a coward...

Dear Dad:
I am writing to tell you that you have really fucked things up for me lately. See, this guy tried to force himself on me and it brought back this terrible feeling that I used to experience with you. Complete loss of control and that of a victim. Then I met someone I care about and he wanted to have some fun. Problem was, the things he wanted to do are things that are very bad to me because of what you made me do.

I decided to tell him about you because I wanted him to know I would try with him, but it would be hard b/c of you. I also wanted him to understand why sometimes I freak out and either withdraw or cling depending on the day.

I am trying my hardest to move on and not let this situation define me. But, it is not going so well. So much of my life was affected by this abuse. I have gone to counseling but cannot deal with this yet. I try, but when I see it replay in my head, I get scared and I can't cope. I used to try to tell mom - she didn't care. I used to try to tell the neighbor and she didn't help either.

To this day, I hate vinyl, the smell of brass, long skinny fingers, the word daddy, being called daddy's girl, family ties (the show), the sound of a stomach digesting food, your hot breath, and the andy griffith show.

I don't know why you did it. I was so little, I wasn't pretty, I didn't know what to do, I didn't have anything for you. You were my dad and you were supposed to protect me - not hurt me!!!  You killed the child in me and you made things reality in my life that I wished you hadn't. Until N and D, I didn't like people talking about my breasts and how big they are. All I could think of was maybe it was because of everything you did to them. Because of you, I thought I was only good for sexual attention and that is how I could find love and show my worth. Therefore, I was treated like a whore and never found love. Now I don't believe in it, but I want to. I sort of know I am good, funny, kind, pretty, but still worry that anyone I try to love will leave me. That hurts a lot.

I want to be myself, I want to trust someone, I want to let them see all of me including my shortcomings, I want to believe I am lovable, I want to marry, I want to be a mom but I fear they will be hurt too. I have not trusted because of you. I have not loved because of you. I am not all I can be because of the insecurities I developed early on. I am not sure what any man would want from me outside of sex. I want to just be and let the cards fall where they may. I don't want to fear abandonment to the point that I am needy. I want to get my life back and have someone else enhance that rather than be that. How did I go from not letting anyone in and never getting attached to finding two that I am terrified to lose?

Dad, I am not strong enough to walk away from you. And I think at this point, I just have to forgive you because I want my life back...and up to this point, you have taken that from me. I am so sorry I didn't stand up for myself sooner. I may have been molested, raped, used, and physically and emotionally abused my whole life...but N and D would never do that. A lot of people won't do that and I have to not just say it but believe it. However, N and D will want nothing to do with me if I don't love myself again. I will get back to making myself the most important and let them be part of that rather than being responsible for that.

If they like me now...wait till I let them really know me. The one who laughs and jokes and just is chill...like I am with my few but wonderful group of friends.

Dad, I used to pray for death. I always wanted to kill myself. I gave up on religion when I was left alone to suffer. But, I like being alive and I am not that weak child anymore. I am a woman who is smart and successful and driven...and that is all me!

I am alive!

Stinkie