Under the weather...

So, I had a very hard time sleeping last night. What started as a migraine that kept me home yesterday has now become something much worse. My throat hurts, my body hurts from coughing, my ears hurt, and dammit my eyes even hurt. I can only think of one thing that would feel good right now...and perhaps not even that :-(


So, today again, I will lie in bed nude wishing I had the energy to go get some juice or something. I wish I had someone here who cared about me and would go get me a juice or some soup or something...no, no food. 


It's not just that though. I am having a hard time sleeping because I have so much on my mind still. My father did not try to call me once this past weekend. It is like a relief, but also...the guilt creeps in. Is he lonely, is he sad, is he wondering if I am okay...


I have got to get over it. It looks like I am making the decision to not talk to him for the time being, so I have to be strong and stick with that. It is so weird that I am so disconnected from so much in my life but still have so much guilt. I have to put myself first and not worry so much about how everyone else feels. They never cared about me...


On another note, N is going through something...he is displaying some odd behavior which triggers my concern. I hope all is well with him, but I know he is uber stressed with work right now and does not want to be in CT anymore. I wish he was home too. 2 more months and I can be with him again!  Pickle?  Well, I guess I will just cross that bridge when I come to it - if he is still in the picture. I hope he is. 


Another hope, HAP...sticks around too. I know, I am selfish and terrible, but he is so easy to talk to. We will keep it platonic...I miss talking to him so much, that I just want to go with it for awhile. He is happy in his relationship right now, so there really shouldn't be a problem. Besides, I have my hands full with 2 other guys I am "not in a relationship" with - lol.


Good times, and time for a nap. Been up since 3.  PS...had a message from Kevin at 4:30 this am...no wonder he is never around at night. Odd, but as usual, his message was nothing but complimentary.


E