My first year alone over the Thanksgiving holiday...

I am not going to lie, today has been very hard. I have never been alone on Thanksgiving before. I did have some friends who said I was welcome to their celebrations, but I don't feel comfortable with that. So, instead here I sit feeling sad and crying as I write this.

My family has never been good, but we were always together. I am not saying things are worse since my father has been in prison, but they are different. We don't do anything anymore. My mom is with her boyfriend (who I can't stand), Brian has his wife's family, and Jesse...well, I have no idea what he does but he has never called to ask me to join him. Even though the entire existence of my family was based on lie after lie, we put on a good front and always got together for holidays. Now everyone is divided on how they feel about my dad and it causes so many issues with my extended family, and I want nothing to do with it.

I am not a religious woman. I lost my religion long ago when I felt abandoned by God, and I have not been willing to re-establish that relationship to this day. I am okay with that, but I will admit I am often left trying to fill a void. I thought it was maybe that I needed to seek God again, but today realized that my longing is for a family. I have never had one really, and it is so important to me that I forced it year after year with no results. I WANT this so bad. Children, I don't know...I want them but I am getting older with no suitable fathers in mind. I have some issues with medication that may prevent my ability to carry a child to term. But I want this! So much, that it hurts!!!

That is what I keep chasing - a family. Yet, I choose partners who will NEVER give me that. I end up with those who won't commit. I convince myself I can't commit. But I am only afraid of things turning out like my mom and dad. Or that he will stop loving me and cheat. Or that he will see that sometimes, I am not funny...I just want to sit and not say anything because I sometimes just feel sad or angry.

So, where do I go from here? N - I really am in love with him. Since the first day I saw him, I had to have him. When I got him, I never wanted him to ever go. He did! But he keeps coming back. And I do believe that he loves me. I believe I may be the only woman he has loved. But I know he is scared to fall in love and commit to me. He is so far away right now. And he has some personal issues he wants to take care of before we are fully together. But we talk all the time of our future.

D - I like him a lot. But, I have no idea what he is looking for. He wants fun only and I agree, that works. But then, when I am with him it is more than that. He is very connected to me and intimate and loving. And it feels like we are perfectly together. He tells me he always wants me there, but he is lazy and doesn't want to get attached. I reach out and he pulls away and calls me needy. I don't know what to do, he makes my head spin...but I want him.

I need to find what I deserve...if they don't want me, I should just move on. I am okay alone. I have never been dependent on anyone. I know there is someone who can love me back. I just choose these guys because I am scared of abandonment and rejection. Here it is never an expectation for me...so less disappointing. But I made a mistake and fell for both of them. Now I am with them, but terribly alone and sort of miserable.

Though I am sad today, I have realized a lot. I like them both very much - bad, I long for a real family, and I have very few...but amazing friends that I love very much.

Peace