my baby, she wrote me a letter...

Dear Sweet Daddy:
You know how much you mean to me. I know you didn't always want to hear it, and I was generally afraid to say it. But, I have so much love for you. In New York, you finally admitted how much I mean to you. You have no idea how long I waited to hear that! It is like I have loved you from the moment I first saw you, and that has never changed in all these years. All the times I cried, all the times I laughed, all the times we comforted each other, and every time you bailed and didn't call...I would still have dropped everything and everyone for you.

I had the best time in NYC spending every moment with my guy - just felt like there was nothing else but that time. I remember how hard it was to leave. I was so mean to you the night before because I was so scared of losing you again. You promised me you weren't going anywhere and we joked about our time together in 20 years. I could hardly wake up that morning because I didn't want it to be over - I couldn't hold you enough that morning. I had to hide tears the whole way home, and continued to feel empty for over a week.

What kept me going was the new relationship we had. Almost what I had always wanted with you, but you were still in CT and I was still here. In my mind, I held on to our 2010 trips to be strong about the distance. Then I met someone unexpectedly. The others were to occupy time until you came home. This one is different. I like him. He is a lot like you, except he is here and he is not afraid to say what is on his mind.

Last night for the first time, I wasn't sure what I thought about you coming home. I miss you so much! I want to hold you so badly, but I don't want to stop seeing him either. I can't wait for you, but I would have had you asked me. Now, I can't say that. I thought I would wait forever for you...but nearly 10 years is long enough if you ask me. If you really cared about me as much as you said, you could try. If I am the one who makes you jealous for the first time...what does that tell you? I am the one who has always been here. But now, I am jealous that he may be with others and not just me. That is how I used to feel about you. I don't like being jealous...but that tells me I care more than I thought I did.

I wonder what you will say or do to keep me. I wonder if it is too late? I wonder if either one of you will want only me...I wonder where we will all be 6 months from now. I don't think I could handle me and MCR doing this as long as you and I did...he is too charming and will sweep me off my feet if he tries. And I have never cheated...how can I see two people and not cheat on either one...that is messed up! Yet, for now I am okay with what it is with you and what it is with him.

On a positive note, I am glad to feel my heart so open again. I do love you...I really do! But that has never been the question, has it? One thing is for sure, we have always been there for one another...I will never leave your side - you are one of my best friends.

E