the email that took a load off, but still feels shitty...

A:

I am not sure of how to start this, but it needs to be done. I do not want to be your friend anymore because I do not consider you a friend. I appreciate all you did for me when I was without my license, but I do believe that is the only nice thing you have done for me. Though I do appreciate that I was able to meet D through you. Be certain that this has nothing to do with him, or whom I choose to believe or disbelieve about your situation. But if I had to, I would choose to believe him. He has given me no reason to think he would lie to me, and has only been honest and real with me.

I do not believe you are honest or real. I think you are so full of insecurities that it clouds your daily life into one of delusion. You are able to flip from one feeling to another in an instant depending on the reaction you get from others, and I think this is because you don't know how to read or handle emotion. I am sorry if someone hurt you, but it is like you are so afraid of getting hurt again that you lie and convince yourself you don't feel. You DID like D, I remember. You only didn't when it became clear that he didn't want you. I have seen you flip flop like this with every guy I have known you to speak of. I can see why he thought you were a player, the way you talk about so many guys...but the truth is, none of them are options. People don't know that when listening to you speak or reading facebook. They think you are involved the way you talk, when many you have never met.

It gets tiresome to listen to someone talk about how pretty they are on a regular basis. I am not going to listen to that anymore, it is absolutely ridiculous. No one does that, and if they do then they too should just stop. What makes you think you are so fortunate and blessed and gorgeous? I have heard you talk about the problems in your family, I have seen you rejected, I have never known you to date anyone, I have heard you struggle with money. You are not what you own...as much as you would like it to be so. The car might fit with who you want to be, but it just fits into the delusion that if you put on JCrew you will be all you want to be. And, it is odd how much you talk about money that your family has. No one cares or wants to listen to someone brag. My life is far from perfect, but it is all real and I don't change depending on the day, the person, or the circumstance.

You once said everyone was jealous of you. I doubt it. Why would they be? You said that to me, in fact. And I wonder...just what is it that you think you have that I don't? You said you didn't want me jealous of H or that nitetrain guy...I was trying to make you feel good about the night train guy...and don't forget, I turned H down long before he ever came to you. He continued to ask me out even when you were seeing him...I chose to pick you over him. I know you have not said nice things about me, and I don't care other than I wished you had said it to my face. I know who I am and I won't apologize for it. I never slept with anyone from POF, not once and only kissed A and J. I did meet D before the wedding and was not honest about the fact that we were seeing eachother. But, in fairness, I tried to be certain you were not seeing him - since you made it sound like you were. I do believe that if he wanted you, he would have tried based on the fact that he made certain to meet me days after talking to me, and showed his interest right away. Camping and hotel rooms certainly allow for that if he would have liked you, especially since you liked him so much that you actually said to me "I am not going to let myself sleep with him at this wedding". Remember that? who says that when they don't like someone or are not interested.

Also, I don't appreciate the passive agressive digs that you present on regular basis. Facebook, chat, and email. I know when you are talking about me, but I always have to confront you to get it out of you. I have seen emails that you have sent to people here (not Ashley) that do not paint me in a positive light...that is just cold. I have never done that to you. All in all, friends are supposed to build you up and make you feel good. You do not do that for me.

I know this will be awkward because we work so close together, but I had to say it because it has really been bothering me lately. I will not be anything less than kind to you at work. I am sorry if you did not take the brownie and soda or happy birthday as sincere...in your mind, you are a pretty princess and were obviously expecting much more - welcome to the real world...your just a woman, not a princess. And we did something that was out of a kind gesture that went unappreciated. Not surprising, but we certainly should have re-thought that looking back.

Things might change for you when you think of putting others first or at least equal. You are not as great as you have made yourself out to be, and I don't mean that in a mean way...just trying to offer friendly advice. Also, when someone is in a bad mood perhaps you should try to either get to the bottom of it or back off b/c they don't want to tell you rather than tell them to "buck up" b/c you don't like that side of them.

Happy Birthday,
Elisa

procrastination...

I should be running right now because I am meeting Brian L tonight at 8 pm. But, I am not doing it. I will, but right now I am going to blog. Just got an email from my ex - the one in the blog yesterday...I still don't like him, but enough time has passed that I don't have the urge to throw up anymore when I think of him. I am so over it, and just glad it didn't work out!

Other topic, A. So, I sent her an email letting her know why I didn't want to be friends with her. I don't regret that I sent it or the things I said, but I sent it on her birthday which was kind of shitty. I wasn't going to do that...originally, I was going to wait until the next day but she sort of set me off when she (shit just got a call from my mom that my niece was arrested today - son of a fucking bitch!!!) anyway, she set me off  when Ashley and I got her some treats from the cafeteria for her birthday and she had some bullshit fb status about how today would have been better if her friends were around and how they would have gotten her something...yeah, because that is so important - oh wait, we did get you something...now wishing we didn't. Who cares, it's done. I couldn't handle the he said she said with pickle anyway and chose to believe him not her.

making the journey...

Ok, I admit...I have been in therapy. I guess I am really not that embarrassed about it because it was helpful at the time. Just nice to let it all out without fear of judgment or backlash. I started going to therapy on a regular basis several years ago when my father was arrested. I sort of had a mental breakdown of sorts, and it was all I could do to get out of bed each day and not fear losing my job.

I have always been a very reactive person who never left one to wonder how I was feeling. Unfortunately, this expression of emotion has caused a lot of discomfort for myself and those who know me and try to love me. I have always been one to jump to conclusions or blame you for something that someone else did to me years before, though none of you deserved it.

Not knowing what to do outside of ripping out the hair on my own head or some unlucky person at a bar, I reached out to Diane - my counselor. I was drinking a lot, smoking a lot, fighting a lot, crying a lot, hating a lot...and other BS. She told me to get a copy of "The Power of Now" by E. Tolle and told me to read it. She said if I gave it a chance it would change my life. Well, I didn't get it or read it -  of course it was all BS anyway, right?! I would get through it and everyone else would just have to deal with it.

A few years later, my boyfriend J and I were having some problems and I was about to start grad school. The night before my first class, he said he wanted to make it work with me and we would talk about it that next night after class. I knew he had been seeing an 18 year old, but wasn't sure how far it had gone. Always too forgiving, I agreed to stay together. That next night I called him on my first break, and he said he would be home by the time I got there...he never came. I called him and he said he was staying at a friend's house. I said, "NO, you told me we would work this out. Please come home." To which he responded, "Don't tell me what the fuck to do mother fucker". I could cry just thinking about it now - that was like a knife in my heart. But, this time I had enough...I didn't need that, not now and not ever. He was NEVER going to change, but I was determined to.

I called my mother and my best friend and cried through telling them what happened and how it was over. I figured if I told them, they would not let me ever take him back. I got off the phone, smoked some cigarettes, and began packing all of his shit in bags. Then I called him and told him it was over and I was throwing him out - all his stuff packed and ready to be picked up tomorrow or thrown outside.

He did come and he cried and he pleaded, but I stood strong. He left, I fell apart. Who was I? I didn't even know anymore. I had given up so much of who I used to be to fit in with our relationship. A pattern I followed too frequently. I wanted to die. All I could think about or see was him and this girl. I felt insignificant, I felt stupid, I felt ugly, I felt betrayed, I felt angry. Then I learned of other people he had seen the whole 3 years. I was so out of it, and I couldn't recognize myself or the person I wanted to be. I met with Diane and remembered the book, but this time she gave me a copy and this time I read it.

It changed me. It saved me. It got me through my life for the next several years while I practiced the here and now. But, as time went on...I lost the discipline and fell right back to dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. Things happened that took me right back to the unhappy and less than stable person I used to be when I was full of pain. I was told by someone I care about that I was overwhelming. I know this...but, sometimes I go on autopilot and can't stop. This is something I do to prevent the anxiety. It is never good for me or those around me, but it is a compulsive need to reach out and reduce anxiety that I find hard to shake.

I don't want to disappoint that person or anyone else. So, I took my book back out and have been doing a second read. I already feel and know the difference. I am back in the here and now. Feeling connected and accepting of it all.

E xperiencing

out with the old...

Yesterday, I was chatting online with my chemical romance and he was telling me how good I looked the last time I was over. I told him that I think I have actually lost more weight in the past week and a half. He pretty much likes me the way that I am, but he definitely notices how my confidence changes with every lost pound. And with the weight loss, my clothes have changed and he most certainly likes that. He is seeing a new woman each time we meet :-) I feel much sexier and comfortable when we are together, but I am glad he is okay either way.

As of today, I have lost 49 lbs! I can not believe it...it is mind boggling! I am sure I will meet my goal of 30 lbs by Christmas...I have 11 lbs to go, but would like to lose 21!!!!

So back to yesterday. As, I am talking with him I got the urge to run...what the heck? Been off for two weeks, but I was up disinfecting and cleaning yesterday so I went for it. Did over 3 miles at an easy pace and it was not difficult. I expected maybe 10 minutes or so, but I felt like I could run forever. Went back upstairs and decided it was time for another sweep of the old clothes.

This time I went through drawers and totes in addition to the closet and I was able to get rid of so much. Some of it was hard to let go, but I am never going back - ever. I always hoped I would get back into some of these things. I am in them and have even had to get rid of them :) Loving this journey.

Hopefully, I can see my chemical romance soon - he has banished me for fear of contracting H1N1...but, I can be pretty persistent. Also, Sweet Daddy will be home in less than two months - I miss him and can't wait to hug him!!!

Farewell favorite work shirt - I love you, but Ashley made me promise to let you go after the latest shopping spree...forgive me...

And goodbye to you, my wedding shirt in my favorite color of pink...we had a great run :)

And you, the jeans I was so happy to get into 20-25 lbs ago. You were so cute, and I will never forget how you looked when you fit...but you really blew it the last time at Pickle's when you wouldn't stay up (not real mad about that - lol), so it's over! Again, forgive me...

And the rest of you...good bye - thanks for the good times, but it's time to move on. It's not you, it's me!

Motivated for the next 50,

E

my first day back...

So, I have been sick all week and out of work. Today is the first day I have ventured out of the house for fun. Yesterday, I did go to express care and the store to get Lysol. Anyway, today I stopped by Cyndi and Chad's to pick up my FLs CD and see the girls in their costumes (had to skip T or Ting this year due to AJ being sick) then off to Old Navy. ON is an addiction lately - it's terrible.  But this time I really meant to go only to have a security tag removed from a pair of pants I got last week (I didn't steal them either, they were rolled up)!


Well, I got there and noticed it was 30% off if you use your card, so I went to find this cute pair of active pants that I love. Because if you love them you need 2, but they didn't have a second in my size last time. It's worth a shot right, of course. And on the way over to them I saw this adorable green sweatshirt with faux fir - need it, grab it, move on. Found the pants and they had my size - yippee, need them, grab them, move on. In the checkout line I noticed the sports socks were still on sale...so grabbed 6 pair - I run, need them, grab them, check out!


Was just gonna go back home, but saw that damn Culver's and had to get my beef on...son of a bitch!

Oh totally forgot, when I was leaving my building saw 2 little girl's bikes laying in the hallway. Crawled over them to get my mail and again to get out to my car. Right when I got to the door...I see this just laying by the bikes...WTF????

Finally back home. Going to hit the hot tub since I am so sore from laying in bed all day...but luckily, I have my new laptop and my lovely and comfy new bedding to keep me somewhat happy :-)

What did I get myself into?...

I was awoke this evening in quite a pleasant manner, so I really don't mind. It's nice to know you are wanted, even if it comes in the form of an early morning text :) - thanks pickle. Anyway, Amy and I joked about it earlier but for real...a little nervous about K. 


Got a text tonight from him saying he broke up with the girl in TX. Okay, background...K recently told me he left MN to go to TX. He was a little shady on the details, but I knew something was up. So, I pushed but was only able to get info when I agreed to let him talk to me on the phone. Come to find out, he left MN to go to TX to get back with his ex. Once there, he realized he had made a terrible mistake. Also said, would have come to me if I'd asked. Well, first of all, I do not really know him at all. Second, I am physically involved with someone and not interested since K wants marriage and babies. 


Now, I have been home all week sick with the flu and K texts and calls me daily. I said, if you don't like her you should stop seeing her. He expressed a fear of being alone with nothing in TX since he had spent his money getting there and taken off of school and given up his apt.  I certainly can appreciate his trepidations, but come on. I am not one to talk b/c I have certainly stayed in bad situations too long, but I learned from that and will not do it again. So, I figured...man up...leave. 


Ok, now onto this evening when I get the call...I said, wow it is late for you to call (9:30 pm - she is generally home from work so we don't talk after 7pm - yeah nice, I know) and he said he ended it and she left. I was shocked. He then said he didn't know what he was going to do. And if I didn't have my roommate aka ex, he could come here...ah no!!!! Then he said, I could go to RCTC...that is the college in this city...ah double no!!!!  This is fascinating since I just told him tonight that I should come clean about N and D and I am not looking for anything serious. He said okay, we can just be friends.


Then he went online and said, if I don't come up with a plan by Monday I will be out on the streets, so I may have to get a shopping cart for my things.  Great, anyone who knows me realizes I am a fucking bleeding heart liberal who thinks she can save the whole mother fucking world. I said, I do not want this guilt of worrying. I hope you didn't do this for me...he said, it's okay I am just getting prepared for what is going to happen until I can come see you. Heysus people...are you kidding me? 


I don't think I am picking up what he is throwing down...I don't want to - lol. He is freaking me out. He knows I do not want a baby right now, or a bf, or most certainly a husband. And he doesn't even know me. I mean, I think I am smart and nice...probably fairly easy to get along with if I like you...not ugly, getting a better body all the time - but shit, I can be a bitch. I can be completely unreasonable. I am not perfect and I don't pretend to be. He builds me up so big and he has never seen me. He doesn't know what "makes me tick", what makes me smile, what makes me ...well, you get the idea.



I miss my normal fucked up life because I just have this feeling he is going to end up here and bother me and make me feel guilty or kill me - lol. I have sort of had it with men who are married - oh yeah, he is too. So, how did he plan to start this perfect make believe life with me? Good question!!!!


Harry, done but still wish I would have gotten some more than I did. Kevin done, glad I never did anything with him...he is a clinger and would likely fall in love.


Tonight, I learned I am grateful for the great thing I have going with my chemical romance, and I reinforced that I am NOT ready for a relationship.


Wow - how do I get out of this one without being a bitch. I can ignore some calls b/c I am sick...but then what? Grrrr....note to self - you don't always have to be so nice to strangers even when they give you the attention you thought you wanted. 


E