somewhere in between...

Lately I am feeling very Yin and Yang. On the one hand, I am very content with where I am at physically. For the first time in a long time I feel sexy, confident, sought after, and content. On the other hand, I am stuck in a terrible situation living with my ex. I try so hard to stay positive and mind my own business so that I am not affected by the shit he says or does, but it is a battle I lose many times per week.

Just the other day, I heard him telling his girlfriend how much he loves kids and wants them himself. Same thing he told me in the beginning. However, I soon learned that children were not in our future together. At first, I thought that I would just move on since he did not want children. Then over time, he convinced me that I didn't want them. He knew how important having a child was to me and he killed that. Thank goodness it didn't happen, but to hear him say that to her hurt me so much.

That is the thing, he just keeps hurting me. Financially, it is better for him to stay in the apt until the lease is up. But, there are days I think one of us could end up really hurting the other...him emotionally, me physically. He makes me want to punch him and kick him and scream and freak out! I hate that side of me...and I don't want to let myself go there anymore with him. I have to figure something out, but continue to wonder why he just doesn't leave.

Then there is the guy situation. Missing Nathan, but last night I said something to Pickle without even thinking...he made a comment about Nathan and I said, Nathan who...I am all yours. He said he liked that. What the fuck does he want? He acts jealous. He acts like he likes me. He has definite potential as someone that I could be with. He is funny, smart, hot, kind, open minded and liberal, witty, and so much more. But I don't want to fall anymore if he is not interested.

Harry...that is bad. I really connected with him and like him a lot. But, like Ashley said, it is a bad idea because the intentions are there whether they are acted on or not. And she is right, emotional cheating is just as bad (worse in many opinions) as the physical cheating. Dane, Jason, and Nick just have to go - I am NOT interested and shouldn't string them along. Hani...well, he fucked up too and I am not interested so I think he needs to go as well!

Well, here is to hoping I keep getting in shape and continuing to be the happiest I have been in a long time. Last night with Pickle, I could not stop smiling...that is what I love about being with him - he brings out my best qualities. And it doesn't hurt when he tells me how tight my ass is getting either...better be...I am working the hell out of it!

Later,
E