What did I get myself into?...

I was awoke this evening in quite a pleasant manner, so I really don't mind. It's nice to know you are wanted, even if it comes in the form of an early morning text :) - thanks pickle. Anyway, Amy and I joked about it earlier but for real...a little nervous about K. 


Got a text tonight from him saying he broke up with the girl in TX. Okay, background...K recently told me he left MN to go to TX. He was a little shady on the details, but I knew something was up. So, I pushed but was only able to get info when I agreed to let him talk to me on the phone. Come to find out, he left MN to go to TX to get back with his ex. Once there, he realized he had made a terrible mistake. Also said, would have come to me if I'd asked. Well, first of all, I do not really know him at all. Second, I am physically involved with someone and not interested since K wants marriage and babies. 


Now, I have been home all week sick with the flu and K texts and calls me daily. I said, if you don't like her you should stop seeing her. He expressed a fear of being alone with nothing in TX since he had spent his money getting there and taken off of school and given up his apt.  I certainly can appreciate his trepidations, but come on. I am not one to talk b/c I have certainly stayed in bad situations too long, but I learned from that and will not do it again. So, I figured...man up...leave. 


Ok, now onto this evening when I get the call...I said, wow it is late for you to call (9:30 pm - she is generally home from work so we don't talk after 7pm - yeah nice, I know) and he said he ended it and she left. I was shocked. He then said he didn't know what he was going to do. And if I didn't have my roommate aka ex, he could come here...ah no!!!! Then he said, I could go to RCTC...that is the college in this city...ah double no!!!!  This is fascinating since I just told him tonight that I should come clean about N and D and I am not looking for anything serious. He said okay, we can just be friends.


Then he went online and said, if I don't come up with a plan by Monday I will be out on the streets, so I may have to get a shopping cart for my things.  Great, anyone who knows me realizes I am a fucking bleeding heart liberal who thinks she can save the whole mother fucking world. I said, I do not want this guilt of worrying. I hope you didn't do this for me...he said, it's okay I am just getting prepared for what is going to happen until I can come see you. Heysus people...are you kidding me? 


I don't think I am picking up what he is throwing down...I don't want to - lol. He is freaking me out. He knows I do not want a baby right now, or a bf, or most certainly a husband. And he doesn't even know me. I mean, I think I am smart and nice...probably fairly easy to get along with if I like you...not ugly, getting a better body all the time - but shit, I can be a bitch. I can be completely unreasonable. I am not perfect and I don't pretend to be. He builds me up so big and he has never seen me. He doesn't know what "makes me tick", what makes me smile, what makes me ...well, you get the idea.



I miss my normal fucked up life because I just have this feeling he is going to end up here and bother me and make me feel guilty or kill me - lol. I have sort of had it with men who are married - oh yeah, he is too. So, how did he plan to start this perfect make believe life with me? Good question!!!!


Harry, done but still wish I would have gotten some more than I did. Kevin done, glad I never did anything with him...he is a clinger and would likely fall in love.


Tonight, I learned I am grateful for the great thing I have going with my chemical romance, and I reinforced that I am NOT ready for a relationship.


Wow - how do I get out of this one without being a bitch. I can ignore some calls b/c I am sick...but then what? Grrrr....note to self - you don't always have to be so nice to strangers even when they give you the attention you thought you wanted. 


E

our story...

So, N is one of my closest friends in the world. I really do love him so much. Even thinking about losing him makes it hard to breathe. I met him over 10 years ago at work. He was one of the newbies, and I instantly liked him because he was not like everyone else. A little dorky, but that is what I go for. I thought his name was Jeff and quickly told people at work I was going to get Jeff. 

He would come to my desk often and oh my lord, I was trying so hard to impress him and never got any response. Then one night a co-worker said that I should come out because some work people were going out and Jeff might come. Well I was in! Got there and saw him right away, talking to another girl - boo!  Sara said, "well I don't see Jeff but he will be here". I said, "he is right there"...and she was like, "oh gosh - Elisa, that is Nathan" (he still teases me about this blunder). Funny because that is so typical of me to get something in my head and go with it. So, I went to the bar to get a drink and he was standing with my friend Bill. I heard him say, "she is so beautiful". Of course I only wished he was talking about me. I played it cool, and said "hi guys". 

Later, on the dance floor he came up to me and asked if I knew his name. I smiled and said I did now :) Then he asked if I had a ride home, I lied and said no...he offered and I started plotting. Right when we got into his car he asked me how long I've been at Mayo, etc. Sadly, he was surprised to learn I had a degree from a 4 year...at this point I was an admin assistant and apparently, they are stupid and uneducated. He is uber smart, so I was turned on instantly. Back at my place the rest is history. He me me feel incredible...I have never felt so in tune with another person, and he seemed as though he wanted to melt right into me and couldn't get enough.

We continued to see each other, but no commitment. I wanted it with him, but he would slip in and out of my life. This continues to this day, though he promises me he is not going anywhere. 

Since N, I have had two relationships. J - just over 3 years. He was a drug user and couldn't stay out of jail or keep out of other girls. Then there was M - the current roomie who I was with for 3.5 years even though there was nothing physical between us. Throughout both in the 7 years or so, I stayed in touch with N. Then, this May he sent me a text saying he was sorry that he hasn't been in touch but he didn't know how to deal with the distance between us or the fact that I had a family. He thought I was married to M and we had a kid - lmao. What is was, is I lived with M and my niece Emily was living with us for awhile. 

I sent him a text back saying there was no family, where are you, and M and I are not really together and in separate rooms. So, we continued where we left off and met a few days later. I ended up staying in a hotel with him and realized I still loved him, and I needed to end it with M. Problem = M and I were going to California the very next day. M found out I was with a guy and didn't want to go to CA. In the end, he went but I told him I thought it was over. I told him about N. He wanted to work it out. I tried, but kept talking to N. Nothing changed so I ended it a few weeks later. Went to NYC with N and learned he cared about me as much as I care about him. However, he still can't commit.

With promises of 2010 trips and a visit at Christmas...all I can do is wait and see what happens. One thing's for sure. I am telling him how I feel. But there someone else in the picture now that I don't want to give up. Still, if N had a female D, I would die...

isn't that what i wanted?...

So, for the past few months there has been this guy K that I have talked to on occasion. He keeps asking me out, but up until now I have respectfully declined. One reason is that I did not want to start seeing one more guy in the cities. Another reason is that I feel I am really only interested in three people right now (N, D, and H). Yet another reason is that he seems very serious. I am not very serious. The other day he sent me a text saying that he has liked me from the very beginning and that if I am ready for a commitment to let him know since he is NOT looking for anything casual. 


Strangely, I am. I do not want a boyfriend at this point. It sounds weird or unbelievable, but it is true. Granted I don't generally pick the best men or boys to get in a relationship with, but I change in relationships too and I don't like that. I like being with one person - I do. It feels comfortable and safe (STD issues, trust can build, you can just be yourself make up or none, sex is great when you focus on one partner), but it also makes people try to control the other. We can not own other individuals. You can't force someone to be with only you. You can hope they like you enough to do so, but trust me when I say smothering someone pushes them away. I have been on both sides of this. I hate to not be trusted, but I also hate to be told what to do.


If I like you and we are together, I will not be with another. If I don't, well then I will most certainly not be with you. And if you won't commit, neither will I! So, if I am with only you, I promise I am not with anyone else. Right now, that is not the case :(


N made it very clear in NYC that he cared about me and wanted to be with me, but this is not our time. His job, his location, etc. It all sucked and it hurt because we have been doing this for over 10 years. But, I can't just sit around and wait. So, I start dating - that was hard!!!!  I wanted him! 


I met a bunch of frogs, then I met D. It was shady, and I should have gone about it a different way...but, several weeks later I am still way into him.  He is the first person I have been able to get into outside of N. I am not letting this go anytime soon, but that raises the dilema...N does not want me with D. I want D, I want N. I also want H, but he is married. I can't have him?!!!  Get it through my head - he is not available even though he wants me...we almost had sex...I am glad we didn't, but I also regret that I didn't do more before I knew the truth. 


I swear I want all three. They are all smart, they are all witty - I laugh so much, the smile is permanent, they are all into great music, they are so unique and not cookie cutter, they are physically perfectly imperfect, they all make me feel super hot, they make my body respond without effort, they appreciate the parts of me others rarely see. Blissful and dirty!


Then there is K, who tells me he could fall for me. I am so beautiful.  Sends me random daily texts or voice notes saying he is thinking of me. That is what I thought I wanted. Now I have these guys that I am lucky to talk to 1-2/wk and I can't get enough. 


(side bar - as I write this N's friend B sent me a text reading - hey stranger, what's up?) Weird!  I am telling you N gets me every time. It's hopeless though, because at this point, I am a crazed person who just wants sex and attention...wow!!!  I am like a guy...


Anyway, I appreciate K, but I think this just goes to show I am with "the unavailables" b/c I am not ready to be in a relationship. I fear the jealousy, the possession, the obligation, the finality. I welcome the fun, the freedom, and the kink that comes with my chemical romance and sweet daddy. HAP is done. He is hot and turns me on, but I am not a homewrecker!!!!


E

mutha fucka....

I can not even express my rage in an intelligent manner right now, so I am about to get  trashy up in hur...


Matt is a mother fucker! Ya know, it is really my fault that I stayed with him so long. I don't even know why I did...okay, I do. I felt sorry for him. He is helpless and I know he has some emotional issues that kept me trying to be supportive. But there is only so much you can do when people don't want to help themselves. Also, I forgot the most important thing when trying to make it work - I WAS NOT HAPPY! Not at all.


In the 3.5 years, he never supported me emotionally, physically, or financially. In fact, I paid for nearly everything (he didn't even help with utilities). He paid $400/mo even when the house we were in was $1350.00/mo + util. I never complained b/c I knew he made less money. But when I needed anything - he would not help. For example, if I wanted him to run to the store for me - nope! 


We didn't even sleep together. We had separate rooms the entire time we lived together. I went for almost a year with no physical contact from him. Now that I am having fun w/ pickle...can't even go two weeks without wanting to jump his bones. How did I do it? I will tell you, after a long time of being rejected and told no you just stop asking and caring. You get numb. But before that process there is a lot of swearing, throwing things, fighting, screaming, threatening, and crying. 


Worst part...he masturbated all the time and now tells me he may be gay. Thanks for wasting 3.5 years of my life and making me feel like a piece of shit for wanting to cheat on your stupid ass every fucking time I saw anyone with a dick!


Today I am sick. I asked him to go get me juice - nope. Then he comes home today and tries to shut my bedroom door. I told him to leave it open because I needed some air. He said "but, oh...germs" (good time to mention he has OCD and Anxiety Disorder) and I said, "tough shit, then move out!"  Why won't he leave? He is ruining my life. If only I would have broken up with him in April instead of May!  We would not be living together.


My chemical romance and sweet daddy both refuse to come see me here as long as he is living here...I say F THAT...get your ass over here and let's do what we do best...I want him to hear it!!!!  Sad thing is, it wouldn't even bother him...he still wouldn't leave. But why should I suffer? I have a hot tub here...that is hot!  Could make for a fun night and my bed has not seen any action - EVER!!!  


FUCK!!!!!  I am so pissed and sick of giving and not getting shit in return. I am now going to be a bitch...he is leaving one way or another!  This is my mother fucking apartment!!!!!   


AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH - I need some release!


Punch him in the face if you ever see him!  And tell him to move!!!!

Under the weather...

So, I had a very hard time sleeping last night. What started as a migraine that kept me home yesterday has now become something much worse. My throat hurts, my body hurts from coughing, my ears hurt, and dammit my eyes even hurt. I can only think of one thing that would feel good right now...and perhaps not even that :-(


So, today again, I will lie in bed nude wishing I had the energy to go get some juice or something. I wish I had someone here who cared about me and would go get me a juice or some soup or something...no, no food. 


It's not just that though. I am having a hard time sleeping because I have so much on my mind still. My father did not try to call me once this past weekend. It is like a relief, but also...the guilt creeps in. Is he lonely, is he sad, is he wondering if I am okay...


I have got to get over it. It looks like I am making the decision to not talk to him for the time being, so I have to be strong and stick with that. It is so weird that I am so disconnected from so much in my life but still have so much guilt. I have to put myself first and not worry so much about how everyone else feels. They never cared about me...


On another note, N is going through something...he is displaying some odd behavior which triggers my concern. I hope all is well with him, but I know he is uber stressed with work right now and does not want to be in CT anymore. I wish he was home too. 2 more months and I can be with him again!  Pickle?  Well, I guess I will just cross that bridge when I come to it - if he is still in the picture. I hope he is. 


Another hope, HAP...sticks around too. I know, I am selfish and terrible, but he is so easy to talk to. We will keep it platonic...I miss talking to him so much, that I just want to go with it for awhile. He is happy in his relationship right now, so there really shouldn't be a problem. Besides, I have my hands full with 2 other guys I am "not in a relationship" with - lol.


Good times, and time for a nap. Been up since 3.  PS...had a message from Kevin at 4:30 this am...no wonder he is never around at night. Odd, but as usual, his message was nothing but complimentary.


E

happy halloween from the drunk bitch...

So, I dressed up for the first time in years and the night was to be our first web show. However, in my attempts to get drunk enough to have a good time (yes, I have to drink to have a good time), I got annihilated. The evening started off easy enough...me and my bottle of vodka - anyone who knows me knows i am more of a shot girl - so, I got started. I was feeling buzzed and got my groove on early...this should have been the trigger to back off the shots...but nope, I had already drank myself stupid. 

I remember dancing to Miley and Taylor. I remember Amy going on the deck b/c here allergies were out of control due to Fish. I remember talking to Georgie. I remember talking to Benji. I remember asking Matt, the ex, to leave then telling him his ass looked hot in jeans. The rest is gone, there is nothing. 

Well, I woke up at 5:30 am naked. When I went into my bathroom, there was vomit in the sink and on the floor. Better still, my shower curtain rod was ripped off the wall and lying in the tub. I went to the kitchen for water and noticed there was a garbage can outside my door along with some more vomit by my feet, lovely. 5 aspirin later, I took my place back in bed after washing the zombie remains off my face. Then I saw that I had some missed text messages.  OMG - HAP... and I missed it (note to self, do not get so excited about the married guy, but I do so I text him back for awhile before both going back to bed. Kev had also sent me a text telling me I was hot...lol. Well, I guess it is nice to hear. 

After talking with Benji and Amy, it appears I was one hot mess. I can't fucking believe I blacked out and wasted the best buzz I have had in ages from booze!