I am a bear lately...nothing makes me happy. I am really sick of everything and nearly everyone in my life right now. How did I get off track? No running in a week! No talking online! No talking in person! Maybe I shouldn't get close to my chemical romance...perhaps he will not be able to understand why I am the way I am. No one believes how hard it is for me to love anyone...but it is. I am terrified of letting anyone in. Sad thing is, I am trying and I think it is going to blow up in my face. I am ready to take a chance and risk the possible hurt that goes with it.
Way back here is when life got fucked up for me, and no one gave a shit. So, here I am...a mess who is incapable of giving more than my body to anyone I care about. But if I don't like you romantically, you will get all of me - the fun stuff like my humor, my genuine concern, my interest, my loyalty.. Sad, I know, but that is just how it is right now. It is all I have ever known.
Am I getting too close to my chemical romance? Is that why I am freaking out? Did date rapist from Kwik Trip make my childhood traumas come back to the surface? Have I just grown tired of giving and never receiving? Is Sweet Daddy really the closest I have been to love? We are so fucked up it isn't even funny, but 10 years of being fucked up says something! Would I give up my pickle for him? Would I stop talking to HAP for him? Do I only like Hap b/c I can't have him? Why can't I? Great, now I am pissed again (or still) - lol, that is my first laugh in days!
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On a side note, I am doing a lot more with my guitar. I have increased my playlist, and I am still working on some power chords to surprise my chemical romance with a song. I am a little nervous, but also excited. I think he will love it, and he will respond with lots of fun thank yous!
I hope next week is better. I don't want to be sad E anymore.
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