it's all about the benjamins...

Wow. Big day with Ashley. We did some serious shopping.  First of all, we weren't even sure we were going to OLD NAVY for their HUGE sale because I was spending the night in the cities with my chemical romance. But, lucky me, she called when I was on my way into town and said she was standing in line for the 50% - sweet, we are in!

Cruisin no more than 5 over due to my most recent brush with "Johnny Law", I was only going to keep her waiting about 25-30 minutes (not bad for anyone who has had to wait for me). Sad but true, it is fairly common for me to be late. I suck! But I am honest. 

Get in the store and there she is already in full force. I was not far behind and soon both our hands were overflowing with shirts that were going to cost us a mere $0.75 (holla - score!). 

Now off to Culver's to get my beef on...dang! I still can't believe I am eating meat again. And now that I am not sick from it, I went for the kids meal and opted for the scoop of frozen custard b/c it is most delicious.

All in all - great day! I probably didn't need to spend all the money, but after losing all the weight...I have to get clothes. Especially since Ashley and Amy made me get rid of most of my old clothes. :)

in such a pissy place...

I am a bear lately...nothing makes me happy. I am really sick of everything and nearly everyone in my life right now. How did I get off track? No running in a week! No talking online! No talking in person! Maybe I shouldn't get close to my chemical romance...perhaps he will not be able to understand why I am the way I am. No one believes how hard it is for me to love anyone...but it is. I am terrified of letting anyone in. Sad thing is, I am trying and I think it is going to blow up in my face. I am ready to take a chance and risk the possible hurt that goes with it. 

Way back here is when life got fucked up for me, and no one gave a shit.  So, here I am...a mess who is incapable of giving more than my body to anyone I care about. But if I don't like you romantically, you will get all of me - the fun stuff like my humor, my genuine concern, my interest, my loyalty.. Sad, I know, but that is just how it is right now. It is all I have ever known. 


Am I getting too close to my chemical romance? Is that why I am freaking out? Did date rapist from Kwik Trip make my childhood traumas come back to the surface? Have I just grown tired of giving and never receiving? Is Sweet Daddy really the closest I have been to love? We are so fucked up it isn't even funny, but 10 years of being fucked up says something! Would I give up my pickle for him? Would I stop talking to HAP for him?  Do I only like Hap b/c I can't have him?  Why can't I? Great, now I am pissed again (or still) - lol, that is my first laugh in days!

On a side note, I am doing a lot more with my guitar. I have increased my playlist, and I am still working on some power chords to surprise my chemical romance with a song. I am a little nervous, but also excited. I think he will love it, and he will respond with lots of fun thank yous!


I hope next week is better. I don't want to be sad E anymore.

sweet pickle...

Things are going pretty well with my pickle...aka my chemical romance. He makes me happy. I really enjoy his company. He is sexy, he is funny, he is smart, he is attentive, he is chill, and he is very complimenting of me. also, he does what he needs to do to make me happy. Oddly enough, I am feeling strangely close to him. This does not happen often; I don't think I like him like him...yet, but I feel very connected like he is someone I am supposed to be with right now.


I do have some secrets that I would rather never bring to the surface as long as I live, but some things are coming up that need to be addressed with us. I will tell him a bit about me and hope he stays since he is a lovely companion right now.


Still, I think about HAP and Sweet Daddy all the time. I wish I could keep all three forever. It sucks that Hap is married, and I still feel very deceived by him. He was very very clickable.  It is weird going from talking to someone literally every day and night to nothing, And when I saw him...instant BT's (beaver tingles)...he is hot. And again, fun, and interesting. In fact, the three are so much alike...it is hard to separate any differences. I want them all for myself forever...that would be lovely...selfish me.


Sweet Daddy is still my number one, but it is hard with him so far away. He is jealous, but tells me he knows I can't just wait for him. Still, I would. Or maybe I wouldn't. I don't know, could I give up pickle now? Or, the want to be with HAP?  I never considered myself a homewrecker, but why can't I have what I want? I am always sitting back and watching everyone else get theirs...I want mine!


We'll see how this goes...


to be continued - song for the day - crown of love by arcade fire.

Challah....

So, I have been taking it easy and running about 2 miles about every other day...until now! Tonight I pushed myself to run 3.1 to get in gear for 5k's this spring...and, I DID IT!!!!  Yay, I really didn't think I would be a runner again, but I am and I am so damn happy. Inspiration = to get in shape and be hot in my 30's. Inspiration today = to get comfortable enough to do a little strip tease for a certain someone :-) Yeah, I am going to enjoy that one!!!!!


3 miles + or bust from here on out...no excuses! No surrender, no defeat!!!


E

Mr. E's beautiful blues...

Ah, Mr. E is a mystery...cleaver play on words, eh? :)


How does he know when I am detaching? It is like the second I tell myself to move on...he calls or texts. And it just throws me in a tizzy tailspin. Don't get me wrong, that is what I want...he is who I want. Still, it is always when I least expect it - when I have business with someone else. For example, every date I have been on in the past month or two...Mr. E gets a hold of me. Now that I am very casually seeing someone (nothing serious - he is just wicked fun and hot), he tells me it makes him throw up in his mouth to think about me with another guy. Then tells me he knows I can't wait around for him...but, in the same conversation states he may be coming home to trout run soon...wtf???  What am I supposed to do with that? And how do I give my sexy pickle my all when I am thinking about my Nathan coming back?!  


Grrr...I know there are bigger problems in the world, but I am just trying to have fun and live life with people I enjoy...and here comes this big huge cock block (well, he isn't my only cock block right now, but anyway)...the boy I heart too much...poor me. 


On the flip side, my companion pickle is too much fun. He always makes me laugh and smile; he is sarcastic and smart. I think he sort of gets me, but I am not getting him at all and enjoying every minute of it - lol (he is an enigma - I think perhaps a little bipolar), but it is always a rad/fun adventure with E and D...I am just enjoying the ride until it comes to end. Hopefully, not too soon...I like to make him smile too - he is going to be a good friend! He is a nice addition to Nathan...they are very similar in many areas...too many areas ;)


E asy on the soul...

Back in the Saddle Again...

So, I am still running...however, have been a little distracted lately. I am back on track and doing well...motivation...check, importance...check, determination...check. My goal is still 30 lbs by my birthday, but 20 lbs may be more likely. Still, I am determined to continue getting into shape.


Reason, I feel great when I am lighter. Reason, I am actually starting to feel sexy. Reason, I have someone who thinks I am sexy now - I can't wait until I blow his mind. Reason, my relationship is much more productive and enjoyable with my chemical romace (hello stamina). He recently said he wanted to get in shape so he feels better and has more energy. Really, I love his body right now and think he is far from lazy...but, if it will make him happy - I am all for it. Just hope he doesn't think it matters to me.


I am kind of coming down off of my cloud right now and starting to feel tired (yawn). I want to just go home and lay in bed, think of my night and morning, smile, and sleep...but, instead I will run, shower, then lay in bed, think of my night and morning, smile, and sleep (oh, I will likely watch family guy before my slumber).


I had a great night as usual with my chemical romance. Always laughing and happy and excited! I love how I get random "shhhh's", "shut your mouth, right now's", "it's time to sleep, right now's", and other sarcastic hostilities thrown at me :-)  Quite hilarious. I gave him a gift that I had made by a friend...worried that he would think I was getting attached. Luckilly, he was very happy with it said he would put it up - whew, huge sigh of relief. I really can't be more clear about the fact I don't want our situation to change. He makes me feel liberated and freaky (the kind that is hot), but I am just a caring person who likes to do nice things for people.


I look forward to my E & D time, and hope I can keep this one for awhile...biting nails thinking about N coming home soon. Also, the invite for me to go see him next month. Initially, I was comparing D to N...now because D and I are so matched in terms of chemistry...I worry I will now use him as the comparison with N. How did I get here...and why did it take a freak show with D to get Nathan to tell me how he felt sick to know I am seeing someone else instead of him...?  Boys are drama too - and not just the gay ones!


E vil is my new favorite song...

Update on my Harry (HAP)...

The mother fucker is married!!! Dammit...FML!  Ok, so now there are 2...fun=D/relationship=N.

My first MD in years...

Let me start by saying, for the time being, I am giving up dating. Don't believe me...just watch and learn!


1. Took me forever to get over my trip with Nathan. Love this boy too much - he has my heart.


2. Got started with too many boys at once - who the hell do I think I am?


3. Met someone in between that I have lovely chemistry with (D) - he has my physical body.


4. Met someone who made me laugh (H) - he had my mind.


5. Met someone who asked about me (R)- he had my curiosity.


6. Met someone who was adorable and shy (A) - he had my interest.


I still love Nathan, but this is not our time. I am very much enjoying my time with my chemical romance. My laughter left when the ex gf came back. My curious boy was a fucking creepster who left me with bruises (I was asleep) - what a piece of shit. And the adorable shy one started smoking and kissed like a man with no lips might.


Woe is me!


So the MD you ask...R, the curious one, is the first Major Douche I have encountered in years. Was so tired, still went over to his place...stupid. Fell asleep and he got angry. At one point, had a dick in my ear and a tit in his mouth...fucking hurt. Tried to push him off...got pulled on top of him - felt drugged...had my legs pulled in every direction...fingers left bruises...I am going to punch his fucked up face if I ever see him again.


Delete and walk away...move on...no dating for now.


Miss HAP, enjoy D, still heart N.


I wonder why the 3 survive my picking apart of males in my life. With them, imperfections become incredibly perfect. My relationship with D is perfect and I want nothing to change. It is so uncomplicated and perfect. It is honest and raw and it meets our needs. Anything beyond this would ruin everything with us. I even told him a secret of mine because I think of him as a friend now - he now knows I left home my senior year...though I can not tell him it was because my parents preferred to spend their time with the boyfriend that beat me up rather than their own daughter...he may not call me his little hottie anymore...he may see me for the garbage that was tossed out to the curb even though I left her behind long ago. PS another coincidence...from my list again...he asked if I liked the Flaming Lips...duh!  He talked about their new album dropping and again played it cool even though I totally got the thing pre-release - lol. I am a dork, he is right.


I appreciate that he accepts our situation and will let it just be what it is - friends with benefits. He is a lovely benefit :)


E asily amused

I found Harry...

Good news - I found HAP. Bad news - his ex gf came back to town and convinced him to move in with her. WTF? Why would you do that, Harry? I mean, make the girl prove herself after leaving you heartbroken. And though it felt good to know he really liked me, nothing felt good about knowing it was the last time I would see him for awhile...if ever.


I should not make so many excuses. I really liked him and should have let him know. I am the queen of bad timing and making excuses, and sadly...I deserve to be left behind.


I miss my funny face...

Trail of Dead...

So, I am bothered lately because I was not honest with someone. And, it was for a stupid reason. Okay, so this person I am getting to know was talking about this band, and I played it off like I didn't really know much about them. When you have so much in common with someone, it can almost seem unreal or like the person is just saying what they think you want to hear. I am not that girl (very independent) and would hate if anyone thought my opinions are not original. My mind is full of lists...sometimes these lists are ranked...and sometimes these lists are tests that I hope one day will be validated. This was a case of the latter. I have a list of bands that for whatever reason mean a lot to me. It is my hope that I will encounter people who also enjoy these bands and can understand why I hold them dear (or have at least heard of them).


My list of bands I want to share (top 5 without order) = arcade fire, violent femmes, flaming lips, dead milkmen, and the cure.


My list of songs I want to share (top 5 without order) = just like heaven, the blower's daughter, will you smile again for me, golden years, and is this it.


My list of movies I want to share (top 5 without order) = shawshank redemption, magnolia, fight club, kentucky fried movie, and the godfather.


My list of books I want to share (top 5 without order) = animal farm, lord of the flies, where the wild things are, sideways, and angela's ashes.


So, the first night I met this guy we were hanging out and an arcade fire song came on tv...maybe in the backseat? I assumed it was a car commercial - lol, but when I said, "oh I love arcade fire" he not only knew them, but liked them. Nice.


Then we were talking one day and he sent me a link to so divided by and you will know us by the trail of dead. He said it was a very powerful song when he and his long term gf broke up. I was completely caught off guard and was like yah, I have heard of them...what I really wanted to say was that in 05-06 the rest will follow was a crutch for me in a long term break up and transition of starting graduate school. I didn't mention it b/c he would never believe it. I don't believe him - is he a robot sent to destroy me with his "beautiful face" - does he realize, lol!


More coinincidentals...when I was at his place he mentioned the Shawshank Redemption being a favorite...well, guess what - me too...no shit!  But everyone loves that movie, right!?  And as if he walked into my head and read my list of 5 things I would like a guy to do for me...he left the room and came back with a guitar. NO FUCKING WAY - he plays and sings. I was wet (V)  :)


He is going to be a great friend! I will NOT ever let myself like him more...I do not really like people once I like them like them...I am an odd duck.



One thing is for sure - I mos def dig this guy and like what we do!!!! He makes me really like myself a lot :)
 
E Underpants

smaller again...

Went shopping today and was able to get 2 pairs of jeans in smaller sizes and a great sweater in regular - no plus size - even with the boobs :-) I am so excited and happy. I almost cried because I feel like I am getting my life back - jogging is saving me from misery!!!  It has been so long since I have been able to shop and find things that fit and look good...hell yeah!  I deserve it because I am working my tail off for it. Goal is 30 more lbs by my birthday on Dec 23!!!!  I will do it too!

And had some fun with Ashley in the Junior's section...I was so close to buying these pants - lol

same old song and dance...

Ok, I realize that I am uber assertive and sometimes borderline controlling. However, I am glad that I am able to say what I feel. No one ever has to guess what I am thinking because I make it very clear, and if for some reason I can't be clear - my explanations are enough that someone could easily deduce what I meant. That being said, I am over people who can't be real with me. I hate the masks that they wear when posing as a friend, a potential mate, a confidant. It may take me awhile because of my desire to trust, but I eventually see through it all. This is so disappointing because it would have been easier to just tell me. Say hey, I don't like you or hey, I just needed your money, or hey...just needed a place to crash and I knew you couldn't say no. 


So, wondering what happened with A-Ron...really liked him (smart, cute, great voice, witty, and easy to be around), and thought he liked me to...or so he said. Had a mediocre conversation one night, I apologized, he bolted, I apologized again...then he said no big deal and that I may have blown it out of proportion - well yeah, don't want to be a bitch! So, I try to make things right if it is my fault. 


Talk a bit on Thursday, ask him to call me Friday instead since my there was some ER drama with the family...he said yes, and I am coming Sat. Yeah, wipe brow - things are back on track - sigh of relief...I didn't fuck things up.  Or did I? Saturday 2PM text message stating that he is sorry for the late notice but can't make it. No phone call!!!!  A text...I tried calling - surprise, no answer. I text - I kind of feel like you are blowing me off. Reply, not blowing you off just trying to get things ready...no further contact. I reached out again (because I am a fucking glutton for punishment ) saying that I understood something came up but would like to see him again and will wait to here...I may be waiting a long time :(


I am okay, since I hardly knew him...but hours of great conversation really left me satisfied and now I feel hungry and thirsty for more. I am such a sucker for a smart guy who is funny too. I just want it all...the double A-ron was a special find, but can not be the only good one out there. I hate dating...I just want to find someone who gets me and wants to make the time.