what goes around comes around...

So, I have this co-worker that I used to consider a friend who would send me blogs from another female with her own edits. I admit, sometimes I laughed but I am sure she sent my blogs to others with her side comments as well...I would still laugh at that too had she not been a chicken shit and hid behind her private blog (if you can't say someting b/c you are afraid of what someone will see...don't write it)!  I have a sense of humor and I don't take myself seriously like she does - read my shit, I hope you do!. Anyway, she had this up as a status one day - I have since deleted her, but this is the translation that was added from another person...lmao because it is so true!

Her status:
i love friday nights all to myself. seriously. chinese, drinks, ghost whisperer and cleaning while wearing heels and listening to le ipod :)

Translation:
I am a lonely person. Another Friday night all to myself? I am going to eat lots of calories, watch myself get fatter, drink myself "happy" and watch shitty t.v instead of going on a date. And, I'm going to pretend that I like it. Sniff Sniff….
 
Lmao and pretend it is a hot thing to see me clean in heels listening to my shitty top 40 music!
 
I am going to put on what I would wear to a date if I had one, and clean my nasty ghetto ass apt. instead!
 
Karma is a bitch - just like you poser! Nice tweet about me bringing guys down from the cities to fuck. What bullshit! The only person I brought from the cities to fuck is the guy you couldn't have!!!  Nice, and it was so worth it I decided to keep doing it for the past 2 months now! Goody two shoes too tight? Bullshit!  You just can't get any - it isn't that you won't. Because you wanted to screw Deals, Austin, Pickle, the lame doctor, and anyone else...but none of them would have you. Guess you aren't as great as you would like to believe...

Blog that one out dog face! I am sure all your little fake friends will support you because they don't know you. And as for Susan...she is just dumb, but not her fault...she never knew you said she and her husband were ugly! Nice friend!

blow me...

This is going to be a rant as I am trying to express myself in the moment more while also staying present. Okay, so don't say maybe come over I will let you know by 5 then get back to me close to 6 saying a buddy is coming instead and "things change, you'll let me know if plans fall through". Like I get it...we are not a couple and we have a very specific relationship, but I am not a piece of shit prostitute you fucking pick up on the street! You don't just keep me on hold in case nothing else comes up! Fuck that - strike one!!!!  I like you and I know you are fighting attachment here, but for real...do not disrespect me. I am not putting up with that shit anymore from anyone. I mean, fuck, we are friends...you don't do that to people you like.

I know it is not fair that you are the one who came after all the pieces of shit that made me angry and bitter and insecure...but that is the way it is. I don't expect to come before your friends at this point - BUT you had  NO plans!!!!  Since we talked about it - I should have been the priority tonight. Guys worry that girls will try to run their lives and be ball and chains...no, you are just so ridiculous sometimes you make us say do things that appear crazy and possessive because we feel like we are in a competition for your damn time...shit...just give a piece of what you get from me and we'll all be fine.

If I treat you like shit and disrespect you...then by all means continue this bullshit macho attitude you have going.  My plan for not making you a priority at all goes into effect now. If you like me and want to see me...prove it, I will be more than happy to oblige. At this point, I guess I would say I am liking you more than I should because I would be lying if I said that didn't sting tonight...

letter i will never send because i am a coward...

Dear Dad:
I am writing to tell you that you have really fucked things up for me lately. See, this guy tried to force himself on me and it brought back this terrible feeling that I used to experience with you. Complete loss of control and that of a victim. Then I met someone I care about and he wanted to have some fun. Problem was, the things he wanted to do are things that are very bad to me because of what you made me do.

I decided to tell him about you because I wanted him to know I would try with him, but it would be hard b/c of you. I also wanted him to understand why sometimes I freak out and either withdraw or cling depending on the day.

I am trying my hardest to move on and not let this situation define me. But, it is not going so well. So much of my life was affected by this abuse. I have gone to counseling but cannot deal with this yet. I try, but when I see it replay in my head, I get scared and I can't cope. I used to try to tell mom - she didn't care. I used to try to tell the neighbor and she didn't help either.

To this day, I hate vinyl, the smell of brass, long skinny fingers, the word daddy, being called daddy's girl, family ties (the show), the sound of a stomach digesting food, your hot breath, and the andy griffith show.

I don't know why you did it. I was so little, I wasn't pretty, I didn't know what to do, I didn't have anything for you. You were my dad and you were supposed to protect me - not hurt me!!!  You killed the child in me and you made things reality in my life that I wished you hadn't. Until N and D, I didn't like people talking about my breasts and how big they are. All I could think of was maybe it was because of everything you did to them. Because of you, I thought I was only good for sexual attention and that is how I could find love and show my worth. Therefore, I was treated like a whore and never found love. Now I don't believe in it, but I want to. I sort of know I am good, funny, kind, pretty, but still worry that anyone I try to love will leave me. That hurts a lot.

I want to be myself, I want to trust someone, I want to let them see all of me including my shortcomings, I want to believe I am lovable, I want to marry, I want to be a mom but I fear they will be hurt too. I have not trusted because of you. I have not loved because of you. I am not all I can be because of the insecurities I developed early on. I am not sure what any man would want from me outside of sex. I want to just be and let the cards fall where they may. I don't want to fear abandonment to the point that I am needy. I want to get my life back and have someone else enhance that rather than be that. How did I go from not letting anyone in and never getting attached to finding two that I am terrified to lose?

Dad, I am not strong enough to walk away from you. And I think at this point, I just have to forgive you because I want my life back...and up to this point, you have taken that from me. I am so sorry I didn't stand up for myself sooner. I may have been molested, raped, used, and physically and emotionally abused my whole life...but N and D would never do that. A lot of people won't do that and I have to not just say it but believe it. However, N and D will want nothing to do with me if I don't love myself again. I will get back to making myself the most important and let them be part of that rather than being responsible for that.

If they like me now...wait till I let them really know me. The one who laughs and jokes and just is chill...like I am with my few but wonderful group of friends.

Dad, I used to pray for death. I always wanted to kill myself. I gave up on religion when I was left alone to suffer. But, I like being alive and I am not that weak child anymore. I am a woman who is smart and successful and driven...and that is all me!

I am alive!

Stinkie

being there...

Ok, so I had a real moment of not knowing what I was talking about when pickle was trying to help me get a TB external drive for my computer. This made me realize that it is lame to act dumb around him to make him think I am not looking things up just to have something in common because he never believes I am honest about it anyway. Apparently, he has never met anyone like me before - I am happy about that but not surprised.

Example...we were watching a Wilco concert and I tried to play it cool and say...yeah, I sort of know them. Got a CD once from a co-worker...don't know which one though it was brown. He was like what year? I said I don't know don't pay attention to those things...maybe 2001 or 2002..he said probably Yankee Hotel Foxtrot...I said sure...don't really know CD names. Bullshit...anyone who knows me knows this is not true. But I am so afraid he thinks I am a poser!  Ps - it was really Being There...from the 90's and not from a friend that was my first Wilco CD.

Well, I sold them all on Ebay and lost my DVD of them...so awhile back I asked Big Johnson to hook me up. Oh Pickle, you must think me so lame.

Anyway, finally got a little taste from big J which is good since I have had Wilco lyrics in my head for weeks!  I have also been working on a song for Pickle - totes mcgoats I am nervous to play and sing for him, but it is one of my favorites and I really hope he likes it!

From here on out I am real...just me - believe me, I have no reason to lie...just happen to have pretty good taste in music.

Later.

bye bye bye...

And just like that, with the click of the mouse - the liar is gone. The one who hid behind the mask of friendship to benfit only herself in the end stands alone. Oh, well that is not true she is now friends with the 3 girls she didn't like. I am not surprised. But she is fake and she talks about everyone behind their backs, including the three, and they will find out soon enough that there is nothing in this for them. It is a one way street with this one.

Hard to deal with someone who is so out of touch with reality and surrounded by self-delusion.

Oh well, at least I can breathe again...it is over for me and I can clear my head!

and the dickhead blocked ME...wtf...i just told HIM to go away :)...

Elisa

yeah, sorry the status update was you

12:54pmKevin

oh great lol

12:54pmElisa

there will likely be more...

12:54pmKevin

about me?

12:55pmElisa

perhaps

12:55pmKevin

can i call u or are u busy?

12:55pmElisa

you and amy are the two fucking with my good karma lately

i am at work

so you will both be my status updates until i get it all out

12:56pmKevin

wait

can't we just let this go

i am sorry

12:57pmElisa

no - it really upset me

the whole thing -  i don't intentionally hurt anyone

this is why i hate guys you make shit up

12:57pmKevin

but u dont like me that way so it's not that big of a deal now, right?

Elisa

who fucking knows...it just pissed me off

I don't know who or what i like or want - I am with two people I enjoy

but your true colors came out and that was sort of discouraging

12:59pmKevin

well if u ever want me, i'd get there somehow :-

:-)

1:10pmKevin

where do i read ur blog?

1:12pmElisa

no way

1:25pmKevin

lol y not?

oh well

1:28pmElisa

because

it is where i really vent and talk about things, and you probably don't want to read about the other guys

1:29pmKevin

oh ya, no thanks

sent u a pic

1:31pmElisa

i see that...nice try, i am not that easy

1:31pmKevin

hmmmm xoxo

1:35pmElisa

nope

1:35pmKevin

u get the 2nd?

1:35pmElisa

hugs and kisses don't work - I am cold herated

i am a woman scorned

you know what they say about that

1:36pmKevin

well i do care for you....so what do i do now?

1:37pmElisa

nothing

1:37pmKevin

?????

1:37pmElisa

don't care for me

better that way

i am a bitch

1:37pmKevin

u want me 2 go away?

just tell me and i'll never talk to u again

1:38pmElisa

ok yes...sorry, but i can't do this right now. I am involved with 2 people already

1:38pmKevin

ok goodbye elisa

1:39pmElisa

sorry, I really hate being less than kind to anyone

You don't have permission to chat with this person.


1:41pmKevin is offline.