in such a pissy place...

I am a bear lately...nothing makes me happy. I am really sick of everything and nearly everyone in my life right now. How did I get off track? No running in a week! No talking online! No talking in person! Maybe I shouldn't get close to my chemical romance...perhaps he will not be able to understand why I am the way I am. No one believes how hard it is for me to love anyone...but it is. I am terrified of letting anyone in. Sad thing is, I am trying and I think it is going to blow up in my face. I am ready to take a chance and risk the possible hurt that goes with it. 

Way back here is when life got fucked up for me, and no one gave a shit.  So, here I am...a mess who is incapable of giving more than my body to anyone I care about. But if I don't like you romantically, you will get all of me - the fun stuff like my humor, my genuine concern, my interest, my loyalty.. Sad, I know, but that is just how it is right now. It is all I have ever known. 


Am I getting too close to my chemical romance? Is that why I am freaking out? Did date rapist from Kwik Trip make my childhood traumas come back to the surface? Have I just grown tired of giving and never receiving? Is Sweet Daddy really the closest I have been to love? We are so fucked up it isn't even funny, but 10 years of being fucked up says something! Would I give up my pickle for him? Would I stop talking to HAP for him?  Do I only like Hap b/c I can't have him?  Why can't I? Great, now I am pissed again (or still) - lol, that is my first laugh in days!

On a side note, I am doing a lot more with my guitar. I have increased my playlist, and I am still working on some power chords to surprise my chemical romance with a song. I am a little nervous, but also excited. I think he will love it, and he will respond with lots of fun thank yous!


I hope next week is better. I don't want to be sad E anymore.

sweet pickle...

Things are going pretty well with my pickle...aka my chemical romance. He makes me happy. I really enjoy his company. He is sexy, he is funny, he is smart, he is attentive, he is chill, and he is very complimenting of me. also, he does what he needs to do to make me happy. Oddly enough, I am feeling strangely close to him. This does not happen often; I don't think I like him like him...yet, but I feel very connected like he is someone I am supposed to be with right now.


I do have some secrets that I would rather never bring to the surface as long as I live, but some things are coming up that need to be addressed with us. I will tell him a bit about me and hope he stays since he is a lovely companion right now.


Still, I think about HAP and Sweet Daddy all the time. I wish I could keep all three forever. It sucks that Hap is married, and I still feel very deceived by him. He was very very clickable.  It is weird going from talking to someone literally every day and night to nothing, And when I saw him...instant BT's (beaver tingles)...he is hot. And again, fun, and interesting. In fact, the three are so much alike...it is hard to separate any differences. I want them all for myself forever...that would be lovely...selfish me.


Sweet Daddy is still my number one, but it is hard with him so far away. He is jealous, but tells me he knows I can't just wait for him. Still, I would. Or maybe I wouldn't. I don't know, could I give up pickle now? Or, the want to be with HAP?  I never considered myself a homewrecker, but why can't I have what I want? I am always sitting back and watching everyone else get theirs...I want mine!


We'll see how this goes...


to be continued - song for the day - crown of love by arcade fire.

Challah....

So, I have been taking it easy and running about 2 miles about every other day...until now! Tonight I pushed myself to run 3.1 to get in gear for 5k's this spring...and, I DID IT!!!!  Yay, I really didn't think I would be a runner again, but I am and I am so damn happy. Inspiration = to get in shape and be hot in my 30's. Inspiration today = to get comfortable enough to do a little strip tease for a certain someone :-) Yeah, I am going to enjoy that one!!!!!


3 miles + or bust from here on out...no excuses! No surrender, no defeat!!!


E

Mr. E's beautiful blues...

Ah, Mr. E is a mystery...cleaver play on words, eh? :)


How does he know when I am detaching? It is like the second I tell myself to move on...he calls or texts. And it just throws me in a tizzy tailspin. Don't get me wrong, that is what I want...he is who I want. Still, it is always when I least expect it - when I have business with someone else. For example, every date I have been on in the past month or two...Mr. E gets a hold of me. Now that I am very casually seeing someone (nothing serious - he is just wicked fun and hot), he tells me it makes him throw up in his mouth to think about me with another guy. Then tells me he knows I can't wait around for him...but, in the same conversation states he may be coming home to trout run soon...wtf???  What am I supposed to do with that? And how do I give my sexy pickle my all when I am thinking about my Nathan coming back?!  


Grrr...I know there are bigger problems in the world, but I am just trying to have fun and live life with people I enjoy...and here comes this big huge cock block (well, he isn't my only cock block right now, but anyway)...the boy I heart too much...poor me. 


On the flip side, my companion pickle is too much fun. He always makes me laugh and smile; he is sarcastic and smart. I think he sort of gets me, but I am not getting him at all and enjoying every minute of it - lol (he is an enigma - I think perhaps a little bipolar), but it is always a rad/fun adventure with E and D...I am just enjoying the ride until it comes to end. Hopefully, not too soon...I like to make him smile too - he is going to be a good friend! He is a nice addition to Nathan...they are very similar in many areas...too many areas ;)


E asy on the soul...

Back in the Saddle Again...

So, I am still running...however, have been a little distracted lately. I am back on track and doing well...motivation...check, importance...check, determination...check. My goal is still 30 lbs by my birthday, but 20 lbs may be more likely. Still, I am determined to continue getting into shape.


Reason, I feel great when I am lighter. Reason, I am actually starting to feel sexy. Reason, I have someone who thinks I am sexy now - I can't wait until I blow his mind. Reason, my relationship is much more productive and enjoyable with my chemical romace (hello stamina). He recently said he wanted to get in shape so he feels better and has more energy. Really, I love his body right now and think he is far from lazy...but, if it will make him happy - I am all for it. Just hope he doesn't think it matters to me.


I am kind of coming down off of my cloud right now and starting to feel tired (yawn). I want to just go home and lay in bed, think of my night and morning, smile, and sleep...but, instead I will run, shower, then lay in bed, think of my night and morning, smile, and sleep (oh, I will likely watch family guy before my slumber).


I had a great night as usual with my chemical romance. Always laughing and happy and excited! I love how I get random "shhhh's", "shut your mouth, right now's", "it's time to sleep, right now's", and other sarcastic hostilities thrown at me :-)  Quite hilarious. I gave him a gift that I had made by a friend...worried that he would think I was getting attached. Luckilly, he was very happy with it said he would put it up - whew, huge sigh of relief. I really can't be more clear about the fact I don't want our situation to change. He makes me feel liberated and freaky (the kind that is hot), but I am just a caring person who likes to do nice things for people.


I look forward to my E & D time, and hope I can keep this one for awhile...biting nails thinking about N coming home soon. Also, the invite for me to go see him next month. Initially, I was comparing D to N...now because D and I are so matched in terms of chemistry...I worry I will now use him as the comparison with N. How did I get here...and why did it take a freak show with D to get Nathan to tell me how he felt sick to know I am seeing someone else instead of him...?  Boys are drama too - and not just the gay ones!


E vil is my new favorite song...

Update on my Harry (HAP)...

The mother fucker is married!!! Dammit...FML!  Ok, so now there are 2...fun=D/relationship=N.