now this is getting exciting...

Let the detective work begin. Dig deep to find what I want and what I am willing to allow myself. Don't dig too deep and misinterpret or over analyze what he says to me. The Pickle has now told me to lose the competition thing I have going on with other girls because I have him on "lock down" and there is nothing to worry about. Pretty sure I am loving this because I have now decided that though we are still just seeing each other, I do not want to see anyone else. I will exclusively be with him for the time being.

We have really come a long way in this thing that started off as a casual encounter of two people who didn't know one another and met in Cannon Falls for a drink one night. We now see one another on a regular basis and it is better everytime. We play together, we laugh, we solve life's issues, we share our past, we confide, we challenge, blah blah...it's great. One who used to be quiet now tells me how great the time spent with me is and how he looks very forward to the next visit. He is always telling me how sexy I am and how he is proud of the progress I am making with my body.

He says I am sweet and cute...and I am a lover and a friend. Yesterday, he told me I inspired him to start running again. This made me feel great. He is sharing his struggles with me and asking me to help problem solve issues that he knows affects our relationship. Seems like this has the potential to go somewhere once we both let our guard down and decide to take the chance. There was a time we didn't cuddle much and now we fall asleep spooning and wake up forking - lol! He is too cute, and I just like him a lot...he even went out and bought some colonge.

I am very happy!!!!

E

somewhere in between...

Lately I am feeling very Yin and Yang. On the one hand, I am very content with where I am at physically. For the first time in a long time I feel sexy, confident, sought after, and content. On the other hand, I am stuck in a terrible situation living with my ex. I try so hard to stay positive and mind my own business so that I am not affected by the shit he says or does, but it is a battle I lose many times per week.

Just the other day, I heard him telling his girlfriend how much he loves kids and wants them himself. Same thing he told me in the beginning. However, I soon learned that children were not in our future together. At first, I thought that I would just move on since he did not want children. Then over time, he convinced me that I didn't want them. He knew how important having a child was to me and he killed that. Thank goodness it didn't happen, but to hear him say that to her hurt me so much.

That is the thing, he just keeps hurting me. Financially, it is better for him to stay in the apt until the lease is up. But, there are days I think one of us could end up really hurting the other...him emotionally, me physically. He makes me want to punch him and kick him and scream and freak out! I hate that side of me...and I don't want to let myself go there anymore with him. I have to figure something out, but continue to wonder why he just doesn't leave.

Then there is the guy situation. Missing Nathan, but last night I said something to Pickle without even thinking...he made a comment about Nathan and I said, Nathan who...I am all yours. He said he liked that. What the fuck does he want? He acts jealous. He acts like he likes me. He has definite potential as someone that I could be with. He is funny, smart, hot, kind, open minded and liberal, witty, and so much more. But I don't want to fall anymore if he is not interested.

Harry...that is bad. I really connected with him and like him a lot. But, like Ashley said, it is a bad idea because the intentions are there whether they are acted on or not. And she is right, emotional cheating is just as bad (worse in many opinions) as the physical cheating. Dane, Jason, and Nick just have to go - I am NOT interested and shouldn't string them along. Hani...well, he fucked up too and I am not interested so I think he needs to go as well!

Well, here is to hoping I keep getting in shape and continuing to be the happiest I have been in a long time. Last night with Pickle, I could not stop smiling...that is what I love about being with him - he brings out my best qualities. And it doesn't hurt when he tells me how tight my ass is getting either...better be...I am working the hell out of it!

Later,
E

the things we say out of anger...

As hard as I try, I can not be happy living with my ex. He is annoying and self centered, but more importantly...I just feel as though he shoves his lack of feelings for me in my face. It is getting worse and worse as he is starting to date. The things he is doing for and saying to these girls is ridiculous, but it also reminds me that he did none of it for me.

I do not want to be with him and I don't regret breaking up with him for one moment. But, why did I stay and keep trying for so long when he never even cared. Why did he ask me to stay and let him change? He didn't ever want me. Now it is years wasted and we are stuck in this apt. together.

Tonight, he called me a fat bitch and told me I was worthless. He said I took advantage of him and bullied him around the whole time. That hurt...I never got anything out of him and anyone who knows us would agree. No money, no gifts, no help, no companionship, no empathy, no sex, no physical touch whatsoever, and no understanding. I gave love, time, energy, as much empathy as one can give, money, gifts, companionship...I tried to give it all, but one person can not keep a relationship going.

I can move...that is fine. But, I am still the one who feels so bad for people that I would stay just so he didn't struggle even though it is not what I want or can handle. I have to just start working on taking care of myself, not anyone else. He is an adult and he can take care of himself...if not, he can figure something out.

I am the unluckiest lucky girl in the world...

In between the sleeping and the tears today, I have come to realize some blessings I have in the form of  special people in my life.

Brian: you are my brother and my best friend. I don't remember a lot about my childhood, but most of what I do remember included you. I remember it always being the two of us, whether it was video games, hot wheels, or playing in furniture boxes from trade mart. You have grown to be a man I am proud of . You are a good brother, a good friend, a wonderful husband, and you will be a great dad. You are not our father, and it broke my heart when you lost your baby. I know you will have great things because you are one of a kind and anyone who knows you loves you.

Cyndi: You are my best friend. You made me realize that when you love someone you do anything for them even if it is not easy for you. You taught me to step outside of my comfort zone to do something for someone just because it is more important for them to be happy than it is for you to be comfortable. I have always done things for others out of guilt that has been thrown my way. You are the one person who has never left me, not even for a moment. I love you very much. You are a good wife and mother, but also a good friend. You never gave me less when you had to give others more. I am so proud of you and what you have provided the girls...so much so that if I am ever lucky enough to be a mother, you will be the one I go to for daycare. You have gotten me through the worst moments of my life. You keep me sane, when I withdraw...you never back off. You keep it real with me and I love that about you. You aren't scared of me!!!!  Thanks for never giving up on me.

Ashley: You were a lovely surprise. The girl who looked so mean is actually the nicest person I have met at work. You have shown in a short amount of time that friendship can be and is reciprocated. You have done so much for me and always bring a smile to my face. You are so beautiful, and almost everyday I forget your birthage is so young. You are so smart and mature. I am proud of you for sticking with the exercise and the running. We have lost so much weight together because we are a great team. I am glad you have an apt in Roch now...I look forward to some us time with Staebler :-)

Karin: Strubbie dub dub. You always make me laugh. You are very real with me and I appreciate that. You tell it like it is, and you are always there to support me. I am glad that you trust me too. We have shared so much over the years, and I am grateful that we are still such great friends though we don't see each other often. I will make efforts to see you more because I miss you. I hope you know that I trust
you with all my secrets.

Shooter: Kate, even though you decided to not be friends anymore...I still love you and miss you with all of my heart. Some of my best memories are with you. You are beautiful and you cracked me up several times a day. You were the friend I could go out with or stay home and do nothing with and have just as much fun either way. Who else would sit and watch my insomnia provoked VHS tapes of television and country video snippets? I hope we can be friends again, I miss you terribly and I am sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted. I isolate and people have to push to see me or talk to me. I am not proud of that and I try to change, but I am messed up...I am so sorry.

Sarah: Grandma. I love you for always being my voice of reason. I am so proud of your family. You found a wonderful husband and have 3 beautiful children. You are the most beautiful person I know inside and out, and you have really made a wonderful life for yourself. Thanks for accepting me even though I am a little rowdy and vulgar for your tastes. You have always accepted me, thank you.

Jen: Doogie - you are a wonderful woman and now you are a mother! I am so glad that you found yourself and allowed someone to love you. I am so sorry that you lost both of your parents. They were both wonderful people, and you should have been able to keep them for longer. I believe you are a strong woman, and I admire you very much. I hope to see you soon, but again am glad that you didn't ever give up on me when I give so little.

Brandon: nodnarB, I love you. Plain and simple - you are a great friend. I am so happy that you found someone, you deserve it and Jimi is a lucky man!  I know we will always be friends. Thank you for accepting me and loving me.

Nathan: I love you. You have been a big part of my life for many years now. You accept me. You hold me. You make me laugh. I appreciate that you share your life with me. I know it isn't easy for you to share personal issues. I will never ever judge you for your past, and I appreciate that you don't judge me for mine. I hope we have a healthy future because you are my heart and I don't know how I would ever let you go. To think of that is terrifying for me. You have always been the one to help me get through my hard times. I never want to lose your friendship or your love. Where we end up in this relationship is a mystery, but I hope we can figure it out soon.

Emily: Emo, you are my first niece. And I shouldn't have favorites, so I will never say that :-) But, you are such a great girl. You are my friend. You cheer me up and you make me laugh. I would die for you and do anything for you if I knew it was the best thing for you. You also break my heart. I want the best for you and it hurts to see the roads you travel. I don't blame you...life has taken a huge shit on you. But, I am always here for you. I will NEVER stop loving you...EVER!!! Please be your best...life is yours to take. You are smart, funny, beautiful, and so much more. Don't sell yourself short!

Chad: You are the male me!  What else can I say? You are like the perfect boyfriend without the drama. You are one of my best friends and I feel like we were just supposed to meet and be friends. We are so much alike, it is scary!  But awesome. I love that we have the same taste in music. You may be the first person that I have met that did!  I have since met a few more, but rest assured...you are the first cool music guy. You are the best husband, Cyndi is so lucky (well so are you)...and you have been doing a great job raising to awesome girls!  You have seen me at my best and worst and loved me just the same. I love you.

Charlie: You can be an interesting one...but you are like my brother. You make me laugh and I really do care about you. You have always been a good friend, and I am lucky to know I will have you in my life for a long time.

Michelle: Woody, I love you. You are my first real friend. We have had our ups and downs, but here we are. I look forward to reconnecting. I am so proud of how far you have come. You are beautiful and I love you.

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all of you. You have taught me love, patience, and understanding. I am so grateful. I know I don't trust or like many people, but I am okay with that. I have all of you, and I couldn't feel more love if I had 100 friends. I know I am hard to love. I know I don't put forth effort. I know I am jaded. I know I don't trust. But I try, and that is the best I can do. Please don't ever give up on me.

Full of hope,
E

My first year alone over the Thanksgiving holiday...

I am not going to lie, today has been very hard. I have never been alone on Thanksgiving before. I did have some friends who said I was welcome to their celebrations, but I don't feel comfortable with that. So, instead here I sit feeling sad and crying as I write this.

My family has never been good, but we were always together. I am not saying things are worse since my father has been in prison, but they are different. We don't do anything anymore. My mom is with her boyfriend (who I can't stand), Brian has his wife's family, and Jesse...well, I have no idea what he does but he has never called to ask me to join him. Even though the entire existence of my family was based on lie after lie, we put on a good front and always got together for holidays. Now everyone is divided on how they feel about my dad and it causes so many issues with my extended family, and I want nothing to do with it.

I am not a religious woman. I lost my religion long ago when I felt abandoned by God, and I have not been willing to re-establish that relationship to this day. I am okay with that, but I will admit I am often left trying to fill a void. I thought it was maybe that I needed to seek God again, but today realized that my longing is for a family. I have never had one really, and it is so important to me that I forced it year after year with no results. I WANT this so bad. Children, I don't know...I want them but I am getting older with no suitable fathers in mind. I have some issues with medication that may prevent my ability to carry a child to term. But I want this! So much, that it hurts!!!

That is what I keep chasing - a family. Yet, I choose partners who will NEVER give me that. I end up with those who won't commit. I convince myself I can't commit. But I am only afraid of things turning out like my mom and dad. Or that he will stop loving me and cheat. Or that he will see that sometimes, I am not funny...I just want to sit and not say anything because I sometimes just feel sad or angry.

So, where do I go from here? N - I really am in love with him. Since the first day I saw him, I had to have him. When I got him, I never wanted him to ever go. He did! But he keeps coming back. And I do believe that he loves me. I believe I may be the only woman he has loved. But I know he is scared to fall in love and commit to me. He is so far away right now. And he has some personal issues he wants to take care of before we are fully together. But we talk all the time of our future.

D - I like him a lot. But, I have no idea what he is looking for. He wants fun only and I agree, that works. But then, when I am with him it is more than that. He is very connected to me and intimate and loving. And it feels like we are perfectly together. He tells me he always wants me there, but he is lazy and doesn't want to get attached. I reach out and he pulls away and calls me needy. I don't know what to do, he makes my head spin...but I want him.

I need to find what I deserve...if they don't want me, I should just move on. I am okay alone. I have never been dependent on anyone. I know there is someone who can love me back. I just choose these guys because I am scared of abandonment and rejection. Here it is never an expectation for me...so less disappointing. But I made a mistake and fell for both of them. Now I am with them, but terribly alone and sort of miserable.

Though I am sad today, I have realized a lot. I like them both very much - bad, I long for a real family, and I have very few...but amazing friends that I love very much.

Peace

your neediness is a turn off...

Yep, I imagine it is. I know I don't like needy, perhaps that is why I like you. You probably don't know this but you are one of two people I have been involved with that didn't need anything from me. No money, no place to stay, no one to make a fricken doctor's appointment for you...I get lost sometimes thinking about how nice it is to just have someone enjoy me and not take anything.

That being said, I am not sure that I see the needy thing. Yes, I am lonely sometimes. I hate the holidays and this is my first year alone in a very long time. I do enjoy my time with you very much, and I struggle to see what is wrong with that. I get mixed messages. You say, I want you here but I am lazy so push. I push and get told to chill out. I thought we were friends...that may have been part of it. I can be just physical.

I have been dealing with a lot lately that I have never been brave enough to deal with before. I thank you and N along with a few close friends for that. Lately I feel so strong and sexy and in control, so I thought I could face it. But, I can't - it still hurts me too much and it makes me cling to something that feels good. Unfortunately, that falls on the handful of people in my life I trust.

I have usually dealt with things by using other substances, and it worked since I was about 10 years old. I never felt anything for anyone ever! Now my heart is open, and it hurts and it is scary and I am afraid I am still worthless. No matter what I accomplish, it will never be enough. I am smart, I am nice, I am selfless, I am funny, and I hate myself most of the time because of all that has happened to me.

I was glad to know I can care about people finally, but never learned the rules. Never stayed around long enough to know there were any...but here I am, trying to stay and obviously fucking up in your opinion. I can only be myself, but I need to know what is expected of me to do the right thing. One night stand, I am good at that. Relationship, well...I suck at that!  Only physical...I can do that, but just tell me what I need to do to keep you  happy with it or let's end it.  I know I may like you too much because when I think of you, a Phoenix song generally pops in my head...they are my favorites...they make me happy, as do you.

Nathan withdraws all the time because we are so far apart and he doesn't want to hurt me. But when we are together we are lovely and wonderful and happy. I feel that way with you. Safe. I have told you secrets I've never even told him. Maybe because I know you aren't my boyfriend and I don't need you to love me, and I don't have to worry as much about what my past means for our future. With him, I fear he will stop loving me if he knew.

I miss him, but I like you too. I want you both for now. Part of me wishes that one of you would just say that I can't see the other because I have never been with two people at the same time before. He says it makes him sick to know I am with you. Up until a few months ago, I would have dropped anyone for him. You were able to get my mind off of missing him for awhile - thank you.

Look, I want to believe you are a nice guy and you enjoy me and for whatever reason you are freaked out right now and it will pass. However, I still need respect as I would never try to disrespect you. I am, unfortunately, a product of my dysfunctional family.

I am feeling batshit crazy today and embarrassed about that. But you have to understand were I come from and have worked very hard to move past. You see, if I had a gold tooth in my mouth they'd kick me in the face to get it. My entire life they have been vultures, yet I would still do anything for them - I am a fool! That is why I have been so easy to take advantage of...

I am sick of being sorry, but I still fucking am.