A bittersweet symphony...

So, here comes the guilt of not keeping up on this...and it passes. I have the best intentions and things to get out, but sometimes the reality of it all is overwhelming. But in the words of Claudia Winston Gator in Magnolia, "I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people".  I have decided that this blogging is taking on a new form. What started as a weight loss journey soon molded in the form of a journal of sorts...as the title states, a piece of me...but I have held back (a trick I learned early in life) and revealed very little. 


Okay, so I met someone - well sort of, he is an online favorite right now. Didn't expect much because that is just the way I am, but there was something so intriguing about his eyes. After talking some, it became clear that this was no "ordinary" guy. He is brilliant in my opinion, and I just had to explore further. He is charming, intelligent, witty, attractive, current, and very motivated. I told myself right away, that I already liked him and should not get wrapped up with petty things that I use to talk myself out of people so I don't get hurt first. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't feel the urge to do that at all...he is deserving of nothing but kindness and respect. I worry about pushing him away...I don't know much different, but really like him and hope I can see him soon. It has been awhile since I have clicked with someone like this. I don't even mind that he is just my POF/Yahoo boy right now and not physically here with me...at least it's possible and it isn't CT like Nathan, the only other person I've ever let know me. I would let him know me...all of me...if only he would ask.


On another topic...today, I struggle with how I am feeling. I have never been one to let myself feel negative emotion because it just hurts too much. However, I have never really gotten past things either. So, the smart woman that I am...have decided if I really want to move on from the darkness that has nestled inside me, I have to feel...accept...move on. There is a disconnect...I wear a mask/I want to be seen...I can't love/I want to be loved...I feel empty/I want to be filled...I long for/I run from...I wish someone tried to know me/I am scared to show who I am...I want someone to trust me/I can't be trusted...I want one to stay/I push them away.


I have not talked to my father since my aunt's funeral. I just can't pick up the phone...it hurts because he is alone, but I have to think things through...he helped to create this mess that I've become. He warped my reality, haunted my dreams, hurt my family, betrayed my trust, took my youth, took my innocence...broke my heart. My whole life has been fixing everyone else and making sure they were happy. But, the whole time I was dying inside and fading into a pitiful existence - and where was everyone I helped, nowhere to be found. My whole life I have been alone, and that is why it is so hard to let anyone in. Will they just leave me to fend for myself as well?


I was born December 23, 1975 in Austin, MN...I have 2 brothers. I love music, art, kissing, dancing, singing, learning, listening, human rights, civil rights, and animal rights. I hate that I have started eating chicken again, that my father is in prison, that my mother is crazy, that my older brother doesn't care, that I don't trust, and that I don't believe I deserve love. I also hate that people lie and cheat, and I hate cruelty.


Well, I guess that is a start.
E