another sleepless night...

Right now I am feeling kind of pissed off. I am tired, but I can't sleep. It is another one of those times where the thoughts just keep coming like a wave, and I can not get my head above water to find relief.


What I am mostly struggling with tonight is anger. I am mad that my past, society, and the people I have cared for have left me bitter. I am a cynic when it comes to believing that two people can find one another and make a life that works. I have yet to find the reciprocal relationship where each strives to make the other happy. Even if one is at a different level of ability...the communication is there to let the other know they are still a team.


I want to be part of a team...I am a team player...coach, just put me in. I will try harder to trust someone until they give me a reason not to...rather than blaming them for all the hurt caused by others. I will tear down this wall if someone asks me to. I know what I have to give, and I know how much I could share and teach. I know what I want too. So, why do I sabotage?


I feel like we can't show concern or ask for attention or complain when we don't get it because then we are needy. But, the man can come and go as he pleases and call or not call as he pleases and we wait. If we don't, we feel like pests. Maybe we just need to know that even though you don't need as much attention, you see that we do and therefore, you just send a greeting to say hello...was thinking about you.


I just want to stop thinking and live life...it is too short and I have let too much slip by already. I will put myself out there and take a chance. Now, I know I may get burned...but, I may finally have the opportunity to fall in love and live happily ever after with my best friend who is willing to work as hard as me to stay connected.


I have too much going on right now to focus on much more than just being available...I don't want to do all the work, so I won't.


Waiting for my witty prince,
Elisa