Satan is my motor...

Today I am excited that someone is challenging me mentally, and that they are exposing me to new things. This is something I crave on a daily basis, but often remain hungry for information. I do believe that I am quite the knowledge base when it comes to music, art, and movies...still, there is so much great stuff out there that is generally only known through 'word of mouth'. My current circles at times offer me a nugget or gem, but this new wealth of music is outstanding!  I have been readily researching and experiencing as much as I can lately. If you were looking at me know, there would be a grateful smile shining bright in your direction.


Today, I am also feeling thankful for wonderful moments with someone I enjoy and hope to continue getting to know better. I am happy to be comfortable in my own skin and proud of decisions I make. Though I am not always proud of the fact that, at times, I still struggle to put the needs or wants of others first. So, I am sorry that I was disrespectful in my blissful state of being. And I am sorry I didn't tell you about it, just as I am sorry I may never tell you about it...as, this is one of those things I will keep with me because it is mine and I desire to hold it close - again my selfish desire to relive it alone.


I feel excited for a date tomorrow with this great person (A). Butterflies in the belly in anticipation of his reaction to me - am I a bait and switch? I sure hope not!!!!  Will he think I am funny? Will he think I am cute? Is he going to accept that I am a dirty bird? Will he make me laugh?  Will he be himself and not try too hard? Can we talk and also sit in silence? Will he bring something new to my day?  I hate dates! I hate relationships! I want to meet people! I want to click with someone! I want to share physical space and energy with someone, but I don't want to grow more tired and cynical...don't promise me love, just promise me that right now this is exactly where you want to be!!!!


I know people that don't like when they aren't the ones to make a discovery. I like that I am opposite. I love when someone turns me on to something new and exciting - it makes me feel that there is a reason people come into our lives! As of late, I am blessed...but too much too soon is never a good thing. Will I skip to the end or let the stories play out? Mr. Brightside playing in my mind right now  - cynicism creeps in slowly...


Never a dull moment!!!!


E

the not quite full monty...

I decided to post this because It is going to be motivation to keep forward with the journey. I am finally starting to see some good curves :)  Uff da...here we go...yikes!!!! 40lbs so far!

When you feel pain in your heart...

Today I struggle with emotions of pain, love, hope, joy, and devestation. My brother and his wife Melissa lost what would have been their first child yesterday, and I am so hurt. I hurt because I love them both so much, and knowing they are in pain is almost unbearable.




I feel devestated and would love to be able to take their pain away because I know they feel empty, and years later...that emptiness is never filled. But, I feel hope for them that they will heal to the point they decide it is worth the risk to try again.




I feel joy that we have friends and family to hold us when we are at our limit of tears and fear.




Today is a sad day.
Elisa

40 lbs later...

another sleepless night...

Right now I am feeling kind of pissed off. I am tired, but I can't sleep. It is another one of those times where the thoughts just keep coming like a wave, and I can not get my head above water to find relief.


What I am mostly struggling with tonight is anger. I am mad that my past, society, and the people I have cared for have left me bitter. I am a cynic when it comes to believing that two people can find one another and make a life that works. I have yet to find the reciprocal relationship where each strives to make the other happy. Even if one is at a different level of ability...the communication is there to let the other know they are still a team.


I want to be part of a team...I am a team player...coach, just put me in. I will try harder to trust someone until they give me a reason not to...rather than blaming them for all the hurt caused by others. I will tear down this wall if someone asks me to. I know what I have to give, and I know how much I could share and teach. I know what I want too. So, why do I sabotage?


I feel like we can't show concern or ask for attention or complain when we don't get it because then we are needy. But, the man can come and go as he pleases and call or not call as he pleases and we wait. If we don't, we feel like pests. Maybe we just need to know that even though you don't need as much attention, you see that we do and therefore, you just send a greeting to say hello...was thinking about you.


I just want to stop thinking and live life...it is too short and I have let too much slip by already. I will put myself out there and take a chance. Now, I know I may get burned...but, I may finally have the opportunity to fall in love and live happily ever after with my best friend who is willing to work as hard as me to stay connected.


I have too much going on right now to focus on much more than just being available...I don't want to do all the work, so I won't.


Waiting for my witty prince,
Elisa

40 lbs

Oh yeah, and I am officially down 40 lbs today!!!!


I can NOT believe it, and it is a wonderful accomplishment. I am exercising everyday, and I feel like this is just part of who I am now.


On the flip side...I am still self conscious and when people say I am sexy, I can NOT believe them. I fear that I will still not be good enough for someone because though the size is smaller, I am still far from perfect.


I just want someone to like all of me...and be okay with the dimples and bumps that come with this package.


Going to The Final Destination 3-D today with Cyndi and Lisa and then dinner at BD with Amy...it will be a good day. 


Off to run... just did some abs :)
Elisa

A bittersweet symphony...

So, here comes the guilt of not keeping up on this...and it passes. I have the best intentions and things to get out, but sometimes the reality of it all is overwhelming. But in the words of Claudia Winston Gator in Magnolia, "I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people".  I have decided that this blogging is taking on a new form. What started as a weight loss journey soon molded in the form of a journal of sorts...as the title states, a piece of me...but I have held back (a trick I learned early in life) and revealed very little. 


Okay, so I met someone - well sort of, he is an online favorite right now. Didn't expect much because that is just the way I am, but there was something so intriguing about his eyes. After talking some, it became clear that this was no "ordinary" guy. He is brilliant in my opinion, and I just had to explore further. He is charming, intelligent, witty, attractive, current, and very motivated. I told myself right away, that I already liked him and should not get wrapped up with petty things that I use to talk myself out of people so I don't get hurt first. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't feel the urge to do that at all...he is deserving of nothing but kindness and respect. I worry about pushing him away...I don't know much different, but really like him and hope I can see him soon. It has been awhile since I have clicked with someone like this. I don't even mind that he is just my POF/Yahoo boy right now and not physically here with me...at least it's possible and it isn't CT like Nathan, the only other person I've ever let know me. I would let him know me...all of me...if only he would ask.


On another topic...today, I struggle with how I am feeling. I have never been one to let myself feel negative emotion because it just hurts too much. However, I have never really gotten past things either. So, the smart woman that I am...have decided if I really want to move on from the darkness that has nestled inside me, I have to feel...accept...move on. There is a disconnect...I wear a mask/I want to be seen...I can't love/I want to be loved...I feel empty/I want to be filled...I long for/I run from...I wish someone tried to know me/I am scared to show who I am...I want someone to trust me/I can't be trusted...I want one to stay/I push them away.


I have not talked to my father since my aunt's funeral. I just can't pick up the phone...it hurts because he is alone, but I have to think things through...he helped to create this mess that I've become. He warped my reality, haunted my dreams, hurt my family, betrayed my trust, took my youth, took my innocence...broke my heart. My whole life has been fixing everyone else and making sure they were happy. But, the whole time I was dying inside and fading into a pitiful existence - and where was everyone I helped, nowhere to be found. My whole life I have been alone, and that is why it is so hard to let anyone in. Will they just leave me to fend for myself as well?


I was born December 23, 1975 in Austin, MN...I have 2 brothers. I love music, art, kissing, dancing, singing, learning, listening, human rights, civil rights, and animal rights. I hate that I have started eating chicken again, that my father is in prison, that my mother is crazy, that my older brother doesn't care, that I don't trust, and that I don't believe I deserve love. I also hate that people lie and cheat, and I hate cruelty.


Well, I guess that is a start.
E