A Piece of Elisa

now this is getting exciting...

2009-12-10T14:39:00.002-06:00

Let the detective work begin. Dig deep to find what I want and what I am willing to allow myself. Don't dig too deep and misinterpret or over analyze what he says to me. The Pickle has now told me to lose the competition thing I have going on with other girls because I have him on "lock down" and there is nothing to worry about. Pretty sure I am loving this because I have now decided that though we are still just seeing each other, I do not want to see anyone else. I will exclusively be with him for the time being.

We have really come a long way in this thing that started off as a casual encounter of two people who didn't know one another and met in Cannon Falls for a drink one night. We now see one another on a regular basis and it is better everytime. We play together, we laugh, we solve life's issues, we share our past, we confide, we challenge, blah blah...it's great. One who used to be quiet now tells me how great the time spent with me is and how he looks very forward to the next visit. He is always telling me how sexy I am and how he is proud of the progress I am making with my body.

He says I am sweet and cute...and I am a lover and a friend. Yesterday, he told me I inspired him to start running again. This made me feel great. He is sharing his struggles with me and asking me to help problem solve issues that he knows affects our relationship. Seems like this has the potential to go somewhere once we both let our guard down and decide to take the chance. There was a time we didn't cuddle much and now we fall asleep spooning and wake up forking - lol! He is too cute, and I just like him a lot...he even went out and bought some colonge.

I am very happy!!!!

E

somewhere in between...

2009-12-07T08:52:00.000-06:00

Lately I am feeling very Yin and Yang. On the one hand, I am very content with where I am at physically. For the first time in a long time I feel sexy, confident, sought after, and content. On the other hand, I am stuck in a terrible situation living with my ex. I try so hard to stay positive and mind my own business so that I am not affected by the shit he says or does, but it is a battle I lose many times per week.

Just the other day, I heard him telling his girlfriend how much he loves kids and wants them himself. Same thing he told me in the beginning. However, I soon learned that children were not in our future together. At first, I thought that I would just move on since he did not want children. Then over time, he convinced me that I didn't want them. He knew how important having a child was to me and he killed that. Thank goodness it didn't happen, but to hear him say that to her hurt me so much.

That is the thing, he just keeps hurting me. Financially, it is better for him to stay in the apt until the lease is up. But, there are days I think one of us could end up really hurting the other...him emotionally, me physically. He makes me want to punch him and kick him and scream and freak out! I hate that side of me...and I don't want to let myself go there anymore with him. I have to figure something out, but continue to wonder why he just doesn't leave.

Then there is the guy situation. Missing Nathan, but last night I said something to Pickle without even thinking...he made a comment about Nathan and I said, Nathan who...I am all yours. He said he liked that. What the fuck does he want? He acts jealous. He acts like he likes me. He has definite potential as someone that I could be with. He is funny, smart, hot, kind, open minded and liberal, witty, and so much more. But I don't want to fall anymore if he is not interested.

Harry...that is bad. I really connected with him and like him a lot. But, like Ashley said, it is a bad idea because the intentions are there whether they are acted on or not. And she is right, emotional cheating is just as bad (worse in many opinions) as the physical cheating. Dane, Jason, and Nick just have to go - I am NOT interested and shouldn't string them along. Hani...well, he fucked up too and I am not interested so I think he needs to go as well!

Well, here is to hoping I keep getting in shape and continuing to be the happiest I have been in a long time. Last night with Pickle, I could not stop smiling...that is what I love about being with him - he brings out my best qualities. And it doesn't hurt when he tells me how tight my ass is getting either...better be...I am working the hell out of it!

Later,
E

the things we say out of anger...

2009-11-30T19:32:00.000-06:00

As hard as I try, I can not be happy living with my ex. He is annoying and self centered, but more importantly...I just feel as though he shoves his lack of feelings for me in my face. It is getting worse and worse as he is starting to date. The things he is doing for and saying to these girls is ridiculous, but it also reminds me that he did none of it for me.

I do not want to be with him and I don't regret breaking up with him for one moment. But, why did I stay and keep trying for so long when he never even cared. Why did he ask me to stay and let him change? He didn't ever want me. Now it is years wasted and we are stuck in this apt. together.

Tonight, he called me a fat bitch and told me I was worthless. He said I took advantage of him and bullied him around the whole time. That hurt...I never got anything out of him and anyone who knows us would agree. No money, no gifts, no help, no companionship, no empathy, no sex, no physical touch whatsoever, and no understanding. I gave love, time, energy, as much empathy as one can give, money, gifts, companionship...I tried to give it all, but one person can not keep a relationship going.

I can move...that is fine. But, I am still the one who feels so bad for people that I would stay just so he didn't struggle even though it is not what I want or can handle. I have to just start working on taking care of myself, not anyone else. He is an adult and he can take care of himself...if not, he can figure something out.

I am the unluckiest lucky girl in the world...

2009-11-26T19:59:00.000-06:00

In between the sleeping and the tears today, I have come to realize some blessings I have in the form of special people in my life.

Brian: you are my brother and my best friend. I don't remember a lot about my childhood, but most of what I do remember included you. I remember it always being the two of us, whether it was video games, hot wheels, or playing in furniture boxes from trade mart. You have grown to be a man I am proud of . You are a good brother, a good friend, a wonderful husband, and you will be a great dad. You are not our father, and it broke my heart when you lost your baby. I know you will have great things because you are one of a kind and anyone who knows you loves you.

Cyndi: You are my best friend. You made me realize that when you love someone you do anything for them even if it is not easy for you. You taught me to step outside of my comfort zone to do something for someone just because it is more important for them to be happy than it is for you to be comfortable. I have always done things for others out of guilt that has been thrown my way. You are the one person who has never left me, not even for a moment. I love you very much. You are a good wife and mother, but also a good friend. You never gave me less when you had to give others more. I am so proud of you and what you have provided the girls...so much so that if I am ever lucky enough to be a mother, you will be the one I go to for daycare. You have gotten me through the worst moments of my life. You keep me sane, when I withdraw...you never back off. You keep it real with me and I love that about you. You aren't scared of me!!!! Thanks for never giving up on me.

Ashley: You were a lovely surprise. The girl who looked so mean is actually the nicest person I have met at work. You have shown in a short amount of time that friendship can be and is reciprocated. You have done so much for me and always bring a smile to my face. You are so beautiful, and almost everyday I forget your birthage is so young. You are so smart and mature. I am proud of you for sticking with the exercise and the running. We have lost so much weight together because we are a great team. I am glad you have an apt in Roch now...I look forward to some us time with Staebler :-)

Karin: Strubbie dub dub. You always make me laugh. You are very real with me and I appreciate that. You tell it like it is, and you are always there to support me. I am glad that you trust me too. We have shared so much over the years, and I am grateful that we are still such great friends though we don't see each other often. I will make efforts to see you more because I miss you. I hope you know that I trust
you with all my secrets.

Shooter: Kate, even though you decided to not be friends anymore...I still love you and miss you with all of my heart. Some of my best memories are with you. You are beautiful and you cracked me up several times a day. You were the friend I could go out with or stay home and do nothing with and have just as much fun either way. Who else would sit and watch my insomnia provoked VHS tapes of television and country video snippets? I hope we can be friends again, I miss you terribly and I am sorry that I couldn't be what you wanted. I isolate and people have to push to see me or talk to me. I am not proud of that and I try to change, but I am messed up...I am so sorry.

Sarah: Grandma. I love you for always being my voice of reason. I am so proud of your family. You found a wonderful husband and have 3 beautiful children. You are the most beautiful person I know inside and out, and you have really made a wonderful life for yourself. Thanks for accepting me even though I am a little rowdy and vulgar for your tastes. You have always accepted me, thank you.

Jen: Doogie - you are a wonderful woman and now you are a mother! I am so glad that you found yourself and allowed someone to love you. I am so sorry that you lost both of your parents. They were both wonderful people, and you should have been able to keep them for longer. I believe you are a strong woman, and I admire you very much. I hope to see you soon, but again am glad that you didn't ever give up on me when I give so little.

Brandon: nodnarB, I love you. Plain and simple - you are a great friend. I am so happy that you found someone, you deserve it and Jimi is a lucky man! I know we will always be friends. Thank you for accepting me and loving me.

Nathan: I love you. You have been a big part of my life for many years now. You accept me. You hold me. You make me laugh. I appreciate that you share your life with me. I know it isn't easy for you to share personal issues. I will never ever judge you for your past, and I appreciate that you don't judge me for mine. I hope we have a healthy future because you are my heart and I don't know how I would ever let you go. To think of that is terrifying for me. You have always been the one to help me get through my hard times. I never want to lose your friendship or your love. Where we end up in this relationship is a mystery, but I hope we can figure it out soon.

Emily: Emo, you are my first niece. And I shouldn't have favorites, so I will never say that :-) But, you are such a great girl. You are my friend. You cheer me up and you make me laugh. I would die for you and do anything for you if I knew it was the best thing for you. You also break my heart. I want the best for you and it hurts to see the roads you travel. I don't blame you...life has taken a huge shit on you. But, I am always here for you. I will NEVER stop loving you...EVER!!! Please be your best...life is yours to take. You are smart, funny, beautiful, and so much more. Don't sell yourself short!

Chad: You are the male me! What else can I say? You are like the perfect boyfriend without the drama. You are one of my best friends and I feel like we were just supposed to meet and be friends. We are so much alike, it is scary! But awesome. I love that we have the same taste in music. You may be the first person that I have met that did! I have since met a few more, but rest assured...you are the first cool music guy. You are the best husband, Cyndi is so lucky (well so are you)...and you have been doing a great job raising to awesome girls! You have seen me at my best and worst and loved me just the same. I love you.

Charlie: You can be an interesting one...but you are like my brother. You make me laugh and I really do care about you. You have always been a good friend, and I am lucky to know I will have you in my life for a long time.

Michelle: Woody, I love you. You are my first real friend. We have had our ups and downs, but here we are. I look forward to reconnecting. I am so proud of how far you have come. You are beautiful and I love you.

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all of you. You have taught me love, patience, and understanding. I am so grateful. I know I don't trust or like many people, but I am okay with that. I have all of you, and I couldn't feel more love if I had 100 friends. I know I am hard to love. I know I don't put forth effort. I know I am jaded. I know I don't trust. But I try, and that is the best I can do. Please don't ever give up on me.

Full of hope,
E

My first year alone over the Thanksgiving holiday...

2009-11-26T18:57:00.000-06:00

I am not going to lie, today has been very hard. I have never been alone on Thanksgiving before. I did have some friends who said I was welcome to their celebrations, but I don't feel comfortable with that. So, instead here I sit feeling sad and crying as I write this.

My family has never been good, but we were always together. I am not saying things are worse since my father has been in prison, but they are different. We don't do anything anymore. My mom is with her boyfriend (who I can't stand), Brian has his wife's family, and Jesse...well, I have no idea what he does but he has never called to ask me to join him. Even though the entire existence of my family was based on lie after lie, we put on a good front and always got together for holidays. Now everyone is divided on how they feel about my dad and it causes so many issues with my extended family, and I want nothing to do with it.

I am not a religious woman. I lost my religion long ago when I felt abandoned by God, and I have not been willing to re-establish that relationship to this day. I am okay with that, but I will admit I am often left trying to fill a void. I thought it was maybe that I needed to seek God again, but today realized that my longing is for a family. I have never had one really, and it is so important to me that I forced it year after year with no results. I WANT this so bad. Children, I don't know...I want them but I am getting older with no suitable fathers in mind. I have some issues with medication that may prevent my ability to carry a child to term. But I want this! So much, that it hurts!!!

That is what I keep chasing - a family. Yet, I choose partners who will NEVER give me that. I end up with those who won't commit. I convince myself I can't commit. But I am only afraid of things turning out like my mom and dad. Or that he will stop loving me and cheat. Or that he will see that sometimes, I am not funny...I just want to sit and not say anything because I sometimes just feel sad or angry.

So, where do I go from here? N - I really am in love with him. Since the first day I saw him, I had to have him. When I got him, I never wanted him to ever go. He did! But he keeps coming back. And I do believe that he loves me. I believe I may be the only woman he has loved. But I know he is scared to fall in love and commit to me. He is so far away right now. And he has some personal issues he wants to take care of before we are fully together. But we talk all the time of our future.

D - I like him a lot. But, I have no idea what he is looking for. He wants fun only and I agree, that works. But then, when I am with him it is more than that. He is very connected to me and intimate and loving. And it feels like we are perfectly together. He tells me he always wants me there, but he is lazy and doesn't want to get attached. I reach out and he pulls away and calls me needy. I don't know what to do, he makes my head spin...but I want him.

I need to find what I deserve...if they don't want me, I should just move on. I am okay alone. I have never been dependent on anyone. I know there is someone who can love me back. I just choose these guys because I am scared of abandonment and rejection. Here it is never an expectation for me...so less disappointing. But I made a mistake and fell for both of them. Now I am with them, but terribly alone and sort of miserable.

Though I am sad today, I have realized a lot. I like them both very much - bad, I long for a real family, and I have very few...but amazing friends that I love very much.

Peace

your neediness is a turn off...

2009-11-25T19:25:00.000-06:00

Yep, I imagine it is. I know I don't like needy, perhaps that is why I like you. You probably don't know this but you are one of two people I have been involved with that didn't need anything from me. No money, no place to stay, no one to make a fricken doctor's appointment for you...I get lost sometimes thinking about how nice it is to just have someone enjoy me and not take anything.

That being said, I am not sure that I see the needy thing. Yes, I am lonely sometimes. I hate the holidays and this is my first year alone in a very long time. I do enjoy my time with you very much, and I struggle to see what is wrong with that. I get mixed messages. You say, I want you here but I am lazy so push. I push and get told to chill out. I thought we were friends...that may have been part of it. I can be just physical.

I have been dealing with a lot lately that I have never been brave enough to deal with before. I thank you and N along with a few close friends for that. Lately I feel so strong and sexy and in control, so I thought I could face it. But, I can't - it still hurts me too much and it makes me cling to something that feels good. Unfortunately, that falls on the handful of people in my life I trust.

I have usually dealt with things by using other substances, and it worked since I was about 10 years old. I never felt anything for anyone ever! Now my heart is open, and it hurts and it is scary and I am afraid I am still worthless. No matter what I accomplish, it will never be enough. I am smart, I am nice, I am selfless, I am funny, and I hate myself most of the time because of all that has happened to me.

I was glad to know I can care about people finally, but never learned the rules. Never stayed around long enough to know there were any...but here I am, trying to stay and obviously fucking up in your opinion. I can only be myself, but I need to know what is expected of me to do the right thing. One night stand, I am good at that. Relationship, well...I suck at that! Only physical...I can do that, but just tell me what I need to do to keep you happy with it or let's end it. I know I may like you too much because when I think of you, a Phoenix song generally pops in my head...they are my favorites...they make me happy, as do you.

Nathan withdraws all the time because we are so far apart and he doesn't want to hurt me. But when we are together we are lovely and wonderful and happy. I feel that way with you. Safe. I have told you secrets I've never even told him. Maybe because I know you aren't my boyfriend and I don't need you to love me, and I don't have to worry as much about what my past means for our future. With him, I fear he will stop loving me if he knew.

I miss him, but I like you too. I want you both for now. Part of me wishes that one of you would just say that I can't see the other because I have never been with two people at the same time before. He says it makes him sick to know I am with you. Up until a few months ago, I would have dropped anyone for him. You were able to get my mind off of missing him for awhile - thank you.

Look, I want to believe you are a nice guy and you enjoy me and for whatever reason you are freaked out right now and it will pass. However, I still need respect as I would never try to disrespect you. I am, unfortunately, a product of my dysfunctional family.

I am feeling batshit crazy today and embarrassed about that. But you have to understand were I come from and have worked very hard to move past. You see, if I had a gold tooth in my mouth they'd kick me in the face to get it. My entire life they have been vultures, yet I would still do anything for them - I am a fool! That is why I have been so easy to take advantage of...

I am sick of being sorry, but I still fucking am.

what goes around comes around...

2009-11-24T10:11:00.001-06:00

So, I have this co-worker that I used to consider a friend who would send me blogs from another female with her own edits. I admit, sometimes I laughed but I am sure she sent my blogs to others with her side comments as well...I would still laugh at that too had she not been a chicken shit and hid behind her private blog (if you can't say someting b/c you are afraid of what someone will see...don't write it)! I have a sense of humor and I don't take myself seriously like she does - read my shit, I hope you do!. Anyway, she had this up as a status one day - I have since deleted her, but this is the translation that was added from another person...lmao because it is so true!

Her status:
i love friday nights all to myself. seriously. chinese, drinks, ghost whisperer and cleaning while wearing heels and listening to le ipod :)

Translation:
I am a lonely person. Another Friday night all to myself? I am going to eat lots of calories, watch myself get fatter, drink myself "happy" and watch shitty t.v instead of going on a date. And, I'm going to pretend that I like it. Sniff Sniff….

Lmao and pretend it is a hot thing to see me clean in heels listening to my shitty top 40 music!

I am going to put on what I would wear to a date if I had one, and clean my nasty ghetto ass apt. instead!

Karma is a bitch - just like you poser! Nice tweet about me bringing guys down from the cities to fuck. What bullshit! The only person I brought from the cities to fuck is the guy you couldn't have!!! Nice, and it was so worth it I decided to keep doing it for the past 2 months now! Goody two shoes too tight? Bullshit! You just can't get any - it isn't that you won't. Because you wanted to screw Deals, Austin, Pickle, the lame doctor, and anyone else...but none of them would have you. Guess you aren't as great as you would like to believe...

Blog that one out dog face! I am sure all your little fake friends will support you because they don't know you. And as for Susan...she is just dumb, but not her fault...she never knew you said she and her husband were ugly! Nice friend!

blow me...

2009-11-23T21:31:00.001-06:00

This is going to be a rant as I am trying to express myself in the moment more while also staying present. Okay, so don't say maybe come over I will let you know by 5 then get back to me close to 6 saying a buddy is coming instead and "things change, you'll let me know if plans fall through". Like I get it...we are not a couple and we have a very specific relationship, but I am not a piece of shit prostitute you fucking pick up on the street! You don't just keep me on hold in case nothing else comes up! Fuck that - strike one!!!! I like you and I know you are fighting attachment here, but for real...do not disrespect me. I am not putting up with that shit anymore from anyone. I mean, fuck, we are friends...you don't do that to people you like.

I know it is not fair that you are the one who came after all the pieces of shit that made me angry and bitter and insecure...but that is the way it is. I don't expect to come before your friends at this point - BUT you had NO plans!!!! Since we talked about it - I should have been the priority tonight. Guys worry that girls will try to run their lives and be ball and chains...no, you are just so ridiculous sometimes you make us say do things that appear crazy and possessive because we feel like we are in a competition for your damn time...shit...just give a piece of what you get from me and we'll all be fine.

If I treat you like shit and disrespect you...then by all means continue this bullshit macho attitude you have going. My plan for not making you a priority at all goes into effect now. If you like me and want to see me...prove it, I will be more than happy to oblige. At this point, I guess I would say I am liking you more than I should because I would be lying if I said that didn't sting tonight...

letter i will never send because i am a coward...

2009-11-22T22:33:00.002-06:00

Dear Dad:
I am writing to tell you that you have really fucked things up for me lately. See, this guy tried to force himself on me and it brought back this terrible feeling that I used to experience with you. Complete loss of control and that of a victim. Then I met someone I care about and he wanted to have some fun. Problem was, the things he wanted to do are things that are very bad to me because of what you made me do.

I decided to tell him about you because I wanted him to know I would try with him, but it would be hard b/c of you. I also wanted him to understand why sometimes I freak out and either withdraw or cling depending on the day.

I am trying my hardest to move on and not let this situation define me. But, it is not going so well. So much of my life was affected by this abuse. I have gone to counseling but cannot deal with this yet. I try, but when I see it replay in my head, I get scared and I can't cope. I used to try to tell mom - she didn't care. I used to try to tell the neighbor and she didn't help either.

To this day, I hate vinyl, the smell of brass, long skinny fingers, the word daddy, being called daddy's girl, family ties (the show), the sound of a stomach digesting food, your hot breath, and the andy griffith show.

I don't know why you did it. I was so little, I wasn't pretty, I didn't know what to do, I didn't have anything for you. You were my dad and you were supposed to protect me - not hurt me!!! You killed the child in me and you made things reality in my life that I wished you hadn't. Until N and D, I didn't like people talking about my breasts and how big they are. All I could think of was maybe it was because of everything you did to them. Because of you, I thought I was only good for sexual attention and that is how I could find love and show my worth. Therefore, I was treated like a whore and never found love. Now I don't believe in it, but I want to. I sort of know I am good, funny, kind, pretty, but still worry that anyone I try to love will leave me. That hurts a lot.

I want to be myself, I want to trust someone, I want to let them see all of me including my shortcomings, I want to believe I am lovable, I want to marry, I want to be a mom but I fear they will be hurt too. I have not trusted because of you. I have not loved because of you. I am not all I can be because of the insecurities I developed early on. I am not sure what any man would want from me outside of sex. I want to just be and let the cards fall where they may. I don't want to fear abandonment to the point that I am needy. I want to get my life back and have someone else enhance that rather than be that. How did I go from not letting anyone in and never getting attached to finding two that I am terrified to lose?

Dad, I am not strong enough to walk away from you. And I think at this point, I just have to forgive you because I want my life back...and up to this point, you have taken that from me. I am so sorry I didn't stand up for myself sooner. I may have been molested, raped, used, and physically and emotionally abused my whole life...but N and D would never do that. A lot of people won't do that and I have to not just say it but believe it. However, N and D will want nothing to do with me if I don't love myself again. I will get back to making myself the most important and let them be part of that rather than being responsible for that.

If they like me now...wait till I let them really know me. The one who laughs and jokes and just is chill...like I am with my few but wonderful group of friends.

Dad, I used to pray for death. I always wanted to kill myself. I gave up on religion when I was left alone to suffer. But, I like being alive and I am not that weak child anymore. I am a woman who is smart and successful and driven...and that is all me!

I am alive!

Stinkie

being there...

2009-11-20T18:01:00.001-06:00

Ok, so I had a real moment of not knowing what I was talking about when pickle was trying to help me get a TB external drive for my computer. This made me realize that it is lame to act dumb around him to make him think I am not looking things up just to have something in common because he never believes I am honest about it anyway. Apparently, he has never met anyone like me before - I am happy about that but not surprised.

Example...we were watching a Wilco concert and I tried to play it cool and say...yeah, I sort of know them. Got a CD once from a co-worker...don't know which one though it was brown. He was like what year? I said I don't know don't pay attention to those things...maybe 2001 or 2002..he said probably Yankee Hotel Foxtrot...I said sure...don't really know CD names. Bullshit...anyone who knows me knows this is not true. But I am so afraid he thinks I am a poser! Ps - it was really Being There...from the 90's and not from a friend that was my first Wilco CD.

Well, I sold them all on Ebay and lost my DVD of them...so awhile back I asked Big Johnson to hook me up. Oh Pickle, you must think me so lame.

Anyway, finally got a little taste from big J which is good since I have had Wilco lyrics in my head for weeks! I have also been working on a song for Pickle - totes mcgoats I am nervous to play and sing for him, but it is one of my favorites and I really hope he likes it!

From here on out I am real...just me - believe me, I have no reason to lie...just happen to have pretty good taste in music.

Later.

bye bye bye...

2009-11-19T14:43:00.000-06:00

And just like that, with the click of the mouse - the liar is gone. The one who hid behind the mask of friendship to benfit only herself in the end stands alone. Oh, well that is not true she is now friends with the 3 girls she didn't like. I am not surprised. But she is fake and she talks about everyone behind their backs, including the three, and they will find out soon enough that there is nothing in this for them. It is a one way street with this one.

Hard to deal with someone who is so out of touch with reality and surrounded by self-delusion.

Oh well, at least I can breathe again...it is over for me and I can clear my head!

and the dickhead blocked ME...wtf...i just told HIM to go away :)...

2009-11-19T13:48:00.001-06:00

Elisa

yeah, sorry the status update was you

12:54pmKevin

oh great lol

12:54pmElisa

there will likely be more...

12:54pmKevin

about me?

12:55pmElisa

perhaps

12:55pmKevin

can i call u or are u busy?

12:55pmElisa

you and amy are the two fucking with my good karma lately

i am at work

so you will both be my status updates until i get it all out

12:56pmKevin

wait

can't we just let this go

i am sorry

12:57pmElisa

no - it really upset me

the whole thing - i don't intentionally hurt anyone

this is why i hate guys you make shit up

12:57pmKevin

but u dont like me that way so it's not that big of a deal now, right?

Elisa

who fucking knows...it just pissed me off

I don't know who or what i like or want - I am with two people I enjoy

but your true colors came out and that was sort of discouraging

12:59pmKevin

well if u ever want me, i'd get there somehow :-

:-)

1:10pmKevin

where do i read ur blog?

1:12pmElisa

no way

1:25pmKevin

lol y not?

oh well

1:28pmElisa

because

it is where i really vent and talk about things, and you probably don't want to read about the other guys

1:29pmKevin

oh ya, no thanks

sent u a pic

1:31pmElisa

i see that...nice try, i am not that easy

1:31pmKevin

hmmmm xoxo

1:35pmElisa

nope

1:35pmKevin

u get the 2nd?

1:35pmElisa

hugs and kisses don't work - I am cold herated

i am a woman scorned

you know what they say about that

1:36pmKevin

well i do care for you....so what do i do now?

1:37pmElisa

nothing

1:37pmKevin

?????

1:37pmElisa

don't care for me

better that way

i am a bitch

1:37pmKevin

u want me 2 go away?

just tell me and i'll never talk to u again

1:38pmElisa

ok yes...sorry, but i can't do this right now. I am involved with 2 people already

1:38pmKevin

ok goodbye elisa

1:39pmElisa

sorry, I really hate being less than kind to anyone

You don't have permission to chat with this person.

1:41pmKevin is offline.

round two...

2009-11-19T11:28:00.003-06:00

Elisa

how did i hurt you?

this is bugging me...

10:22amKevin

because i was head over heels for you and it hurt when you said u had that guy

10:29amKevin

well???

Elisa

but i told you that

10:34amKevin

ya, but that's not what happened... when can i call u to clear this up

10:35amElisa

what is to clear up? you wanted to ask out amy...

10:35amKevin

i was hurt and was just being mean

fine...u want to not talk to me then ok

10:39amElisa

i don't like mean people

10:39amKevin

ok...well i guess thats goodbye then huh

10:39amElisa

you knew i was not really available

10:40amKevin

no i didnt think it was that serious

10:40amElisa

and you were in TX with a girlfriend

and my status is not about you

10:40amKevin

i have no gf

10:40amElisa

you did

10:40amKevin

no i didnot

Elisa

and many nights i called or would text and heard nothing b/c you were with her

10:41amKevin

that w/e after i talked to you every day u were sick, u ignored me bc of some dude

10:42amElisa

no i didn't - i told you i had to think things over and you got crazy

10:42amKevin

first of all, i dont get "crazy"

10:42amElisa

you did...you sent me nasty texts and im's

you did get mean

10:44amKevin

listen i was hurt....bottom line

10:45amElisa

well i don't understand why you even

liked me...we hardly talked and you avoided me

10:47amKevin

well i did, but really it's ok... just do ur thing and i hope things work out for you.

10:50amElisa

see even that is in a mean tone

10:51amKevin

its not i promise...i like u but ur taken

10:51amElisa

i am not taken...! i am seeing two people...nothing serious, but I want to leave it at that for now. I don't like to get around and juggle...

10:52amKevin

i hear ya...well if u ever want to talk u know my number

10:52amElisa

she still let you have the phone

10:53amKevin

lol, ya, until she gets mad again...sux, i know

10:54amElisa

so she is like your sugar momma

wtf

how can you judge me

10:54amKevin

i dont

10:55amKevin

no, well i dont see it that way.

10:56amElisa

nobody pays for my shit...guess you are more taken than me

she has claim on you

what do you see it as kevin?

11:00amKevin

idk, i am going to my sisters in 2 weeks alone so there wont be anymore of it

11:02amElisa

you have to be independent or you will never be happy with others

11:03amKevin

i know this...this is why i am going there to get stuff done in my life. i will be back in MN tho

11:03amElisa

good luck

11:04amKevin

thanks i guess

Elisa

well, i just think you rely too much on a female to make you happy

11:05amKevin

i might. im not sure. i am just really confused on stuff and i just want to finish my degree

11:05amElisa

i hope you are able to rely on yourself more instead

well then do it and stop trying to find someone

find yourself

11:06amKevin

i thought i did

11:09amElisa

i don't know, but it doesn't seem like it

too dependent on others...

yeah, i would say he is crazy!!!!...

2009-11-18T10:37:00.001-06:00

8:37amKevin

y u leavin shit on my profile...if u cant be nice then just dont do it

u got ur bf...gl w/ that

8:56amElisa

you move on quick

maybe you just can't be alone? and it wasn't mean...take a joke

8:56amKevin

how do u know?

8:56amElisa

it's obvious

Kevin

u hurt me

8:56amElisa

i told you about them both - no bf's...and you were fine with it...then you started to be a jerk about it

i just said i had to think things through...

then you got nasty

made me question things after that

8:57amKevin

but u avoided me all weekend bc a guy didnt like u talking to me'

8:57amElisa

no b/c i had to think about what i wanted!

and i was sick!!!

i have a meeting

8:57amKevin

bye

i am....

2009-11-17T12:50:00.003-06:00

generally a happy person
someone who loves to make others smile
generous
selfless
shy
a loner
easily entertained
easy going
low maintanance
a lover of music
a lover of art
a tea drinker
a shot taker
a risk taker
a kinky freak at times
a romantic at heart
an in the moment lover
recovering vegetarian
a former member of PETA
willing to learn
eager to try new things
always willing to hear you out
someone who learned not to make decisions in the heat of the moment
one who will never intentionally hurt anyone
an animal lover
alive when I am with him
safe when I am with him
also alive and safe with the other
honest and choose not to lie
a talker
afraid to fall in love
unwilling to face my past
uncertain about my ability to put myself first
worried about how my family will make it without me
wanting to move somewhere new and never look back
lonely because I isolate so much
anxious to spend time with Pickle
happy to see Sweet Daddy in December
mad that I push too hard sometimes
terrified of being abandoned by someone I care about
convinced most people cheat
mad that I think most people cheat
scared I won't be good enough
proud to be trusted so much by others
a great listener
a woman who cares for those less fortunate
not a religious person
helpful
responsible
courteous
giving
a girl who loves to give gifts to those I care about
an incest survivor
a head case at times
a sister
an aunt
a daughter
a friend
a lover
smart
witty
fun
the best person to have on your side
the worst person to have against you

my baby, she wrote me a letter...

2009-11-16T21:42:00.001-06:00

Dear Sweet Daddy:
You know how much you mean to me. I know you didn't always want to hear it, and I was generally afraid to say it. But, I have so much love for you. In New York, you finally admitted how much I mean to you. You have no idea how long I waited to hear that! It is like I have loved you from the moment I first saw you, and that has never changed in all these years. All the times I cried, all the times I laughed, all the times we comforted each other, and every time you bailed and didn't call...I would still have dropped everything and everyone for you.

I had the best time in NYC spending every moment with my guy - just felt like there was nothing else but that time. I remember how hard it was to leave. I was so mean to you the night before because I was so scared of losing you again. You promised me you weren't going anywhere and we joked about our time together in 20 years. I could hardly wake up that morning because I didn't want it to be over - I couldn't hold you enough that morning. I had to hide tears the whole way home, and continued to feel empty for over a week.

What kept me going was the new relationship we had. Almost what I had always wanted with you, but you were still in CT and I was still here. In my mind, I held on to our 2010 trips to be strong about the distance. Then I met someone unexpectedly. The others were to occupy time until you came home. This one is different. I like him. He is a lot like you, except he is here and he is not afraid to say what is on his mind.

Last night for the first time, I wasn't sure what I thought about you coming home. I miss you so much! I want to hold you so badly, but I don't want to stop seeing him either. I can't wait for you, but I would have had you asked me. Now, I can't say that. I thought I would wait forever for you...but nearly 10 years is long enough if you ask me. If you really cared about me as much as you said, you could try. If I am the one who makes you jealous for the first time...what does that tell you? I am the one who has always been here. But now, I am jealous that he may be with others and not just me. That is how I used to feel about you. I don't like being jealous...but that tells me I care more than I thought I did.

I wonder what you will say or do to keep me. I wonder if it is too late? I wonder if either one of you will want only me...I wonder where we will all be 6 months from now. I don't think I could handle me and MCR doing this as long as you and I did...he is too charming and will sweep me off my feet if he tries. And I have never cheated...how can I see two people and not cheat on either one...that is messed up! Yet, for now I am okay with what it is with you and what it is with him.

On a positive note, I am glad to feel my heart so open again. I do love you...I really do! But that has never been the question, has it? One thing is for sure, we have always been there for one another...I will never leave your side - you are one of my best friends.

E

oh what a night...

2009-11-16T21:26:00.000-06:00

I swear, each time I see him it is better than the last time. I don't know how it is possible, generally things don't necessarily work that way for me. But, there is something here...he is funny, he is smart, he is handsome, he is comforting, he is warm, he is thoughtful, he is appreciative, he is complimenting, he is reciprocal, he is sexy, he is entertaining, he is passionate, and he is growing on me! Crap!

So much so, that I feared telling him sweet daddy was coming home and I would likely be "seeing him". I thought I would lose him for sure, but I didn't. He said I could have both! I am sort of glad, but I also just wish he would have told me he didn't want me to see N when he comes home. I would be only with him if he asked.

I fear falling for him and forgetting N. Obviously, he is not concerned with this as he has said he does not want to get attached and has control over his emotions. I fear that things would not be the same if we went down that road. However, we are more than what we were and it just keeps getting better and more connected. We are very in tune with one another...that doesn't just happen or go away because you want it to.

Lately, it is as if we just melt together and are able to communicate without words. I have not felt this since N and to be honest...this is much better than that (and that was almost perfect). He is someone who is going to be a very good friend, as he is someone I trust and respect. He makes me laugh and it is hard not to have a smile when I am hanging with my pickle...my super hot friend w/benefits!

the email that took a load off, but still feels shitty...

2009-11-13T17:12:00.001-06:00

I am not sure of how to start this, but it needs to be done. I do not want to be your friend anymore because I do not consider you a friend. I appreciate all you did for me when I was without my license, but I do believe that is the only nice thing you have done for me. Though I do appreciate that I was able to meet D through you. Be certain that this has nothing to do with him, or whom I choose to believe or disbelieve about your situation. But if I had to, I would choose to believe him. He has given me no reason to think he would lie to me, and has only been honest and real with me.

I do not believe you are honest or real. I think you are so full of insecurities that it clouds your daily life into one of delusion. You are able to flip from one feeling to another in an instant depending on the reaction you get from others, and I think this is because you don't know how to read or handle emotion. I am sorry if someone hurt you, but it is like you are so afraid of getting hurt again that you lie and convince yourself you don't feel. You DID like D, I remember. You only didn't when it became clear that he didn't want you. I have seen you flip flop like this with every guy I have known you to speak of. I can see why he thought you were a player, the way you talk about so many guys...but the truth is, none of them are options. People don't know that when listening to you speak or reading facebook. They think you are involved the way you talk, when many you have never met.

It gets tiresome to listen to someone talk about how pretty they are on a regular basis. I am not going to listen to that anymore, it is absolutely ridiculous. No one does that, and if they do then they too should just stop. What makes you think you are so fortunate and blessed and gorgeous? I have heard you talk about the problems in your family, I have seen you rejected, I have never known you to date anyone, I have heard you struggle with money. You are not what you own...as much as you would like it to be so. The car might fit with who you want to be, but it just fits into the delusion that if you put on JCrew you will be all you want to be. And, it is odd how much you talk about money that your family has. No one cares or wants to listen to someone brag. My life is far from perfect, but it is all real and I don't change depending on the day, the person, or the circumstance.

You once said everyone was jealous of you. I doubt it. Why would they be? You said that to me, in fact. And I wonder...just what is it that you think you have that I don't? You said you didn't want me jealous of H or that nitetrain guy...I was trying to make you feel good about the night train guy...and don't forget, I turned H down long before he ever came to you. He continued to ask me out even when you were seeing him...I chose to pick you over him. I know you have not said nice things about me, and I don't care other than I wished you had said it to my face. I know who I am and I won't apologize for it. I never slept with anyone from POF, not once and only kissed A and J. I did meet D before the wedding and was not honest about the fact that we were seeing eachother. But, in fairness, I tried to be certain you were not seeing him - since you made it sound like you were. I do believe that if he wanted you, he would have tried based on the fact that he made certain to meet me days after talking to me, and showed his interest right away. Camping and hotel rooms certainly allow for that if he would have liked you, especially since you liked him so much that you actually said to me "I am not going to let myself sleep with him at this wedding". Remember that? who says that when they don't like someone or are not interested.

Also, I don't appreciate the passive agressive digs that you present on regular basis. Facebook, chat, and email. I know when you are talking about me, but I always have to confront you to get it out of you. I have seen emails that you have sent to people here (not Ashley) that do not paint me in a positive light...that is just cold. I have never done that to you. All in all, friends are supposed to build you up and make you feel good. You do not do that for me.

I know this will be awkward because we work so close together, but I had to say it because it has really been bothering me lately. I will not be anything less than kind to you at work. I am sorry if you did not take the brownie and soda or happy birthday as sincere...in your mind, you are a pretty princess and were obviously expecting much more - welcome to the real world...your just a woman, not a princess. And we did something that was out of a kind gesture that went unappreciated. Not surprising, but we certainly should have re-thought that looking back.

Things might change for you when you think of putting others first or at least equal. You are not as great as you have made yourself out to be, and I don't mean that in a mean way...just trying to offer friendly advice. Also, when someone is in a bad mood perhaps you should try to either get to the bottom of it or back off b/c they don't want to tell you rather than tell them to "buck up" b/c you don't like that side of them.

Happy Birthday,
Elisa

procrastination...

2009-11-13T17:07:00.001-06:00

I should be running right now because I am meeting Brian L tonight at 8 pm. But, I am not doing it. I will, but right now I am going to blog. Just got an email from my ex - the one in the blog yesterday...I still don't like him, but enough time has passed that I don't have the urge to throw up anymore when I think of him. I am so over it, and just glad it didn't work out!

Other topic, A. So, I sent her an email letting her know why I didn't want to be friends with her. I don't regret that I sent it or the things I said, but I sent it on her birthday which was kind of shitty. I wasn't going to do that...originally, I was going to wait until the next day but she sort of set me off when she (shit just got a call from my mom that my niece was arrested today - son of a fucking bitch!!!) anyway, she set me off when Ashley and I got her some treats from the cafeteria for her birthday and she had some bullshit fb status about how today would have been better if her friends were around and how they would have gotten her something...yeah, because that is so important - oh wait, we did get you something...now wishing we didn't. Who cares, it's done. I couldn't handle the he said she said with pickle anyway and chose to believe him not her.

making the journey...

2009-11-12T21:30:00.003-06:00

Ok, I admit...I have been in therapy. I guess I am really not that embarrassed about it because it was helpful at the time. Just nice to let it all out without fear of judgment or backlash. I started going to therapy on a regular basis several years ago when my father was arrested. I sort of had a mental breakdown of sorts, and it was all I could do to get out of bed each day and not fear losing my job.

I have always been a very reactive person who never left one to wonder how I was feeling. Unfortunately, this expression of emotion has caused a lot of discomfort for myself and those who know me and try to love me. I have always been one to jump to conclusions or blame you for something that someone else did to me years before, though none of you deserved it.

Not knowing what to do outside of ripping out the hair on my own head or some unlucky person at a bar, I reached out to Diane - my counselor. I was drinking a lot, smoking a lot, fighting a lot, crying a lot, hating a lot...and other BS. She told me to get a copy of "The Power of Now" by E. Tolle and told me to read it. She said if I gave it a chance it would change my life. Well, I didn't get it or read it - of course it was all BS anyway, right?! I would get through it and everyone else would just have to deal with it.

A few years later, my boyfriend J and I were having some problems and I was about to start grad school. The night before my first class, he said he wanted to make it work with me and we would talk about it that next night after class. I knew he had been seeing an 18 year old, but wasn't sure how far it had gone. Always too forgiving, I agreed to stay together. That next night I called him on my first break, and he said he would be home by the time I got there...he never came. I called him and he said he was staying at a friend's house. I said, "NO, you told me we would work this out. Please come home." To which he responded, "Don't tell me what the fuck to do mother fucker". I could cry just thinking about it now - that was like a knife in my heart. But, this time I had enough...I didn't need that, not now and not ever. He was NEVER going to change, but I was determined to.

I called my mother and my best friend and cried through telling them what happened and how it was over. I figured if I told them, they would not let me ever take him back. I got off the phone, smoked some cigarettes, and began packing all of his shit in bags. Then I called him and told him it was over and I was throwing him out - all his stuff packed and ready to be picked up tomorrow or thrown outside.

He did come and he cried and he pleaded, but I stood strong. He left, I fell apart. Who was I? I didn't even know anymore. I had given up so much of who I used to be to fit in with our relationship. A pattern I followed too frequently. I wanted to die. All I could think about or see was him and this girl. I felt insignificant, I felt stupid, I felt ugly, I felt betrayed, I felt angry. Then I learned of other people he had seen the whole 3 years. I was so out of it, and I couldn't recognize myself or the person I wanted to be. I met with Diane and remembered the book, but this time she gave me a copy and this time I read it.

It changed me. It saved me. It got me through my life for the next several years while I practiced the here and now. But, as time went on...I lost the discipline and fell right back to dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. Things happened that took me right back to the unhappy and less than stable person I used to be when I was full of pain. I was told by someone I care about that I was overwhelming. I know this...but, sometimes I go on autopilot and can't stop. This is something I do to prevent the anxiety. It is never good for me or those around me, but it is a compulsive need to reach out and reduce anxiety that I find hard to shake.

I don't want to disappoint that person or anyone else. So, I took my book back out and have been doing a second read. I already feel and know the difference. I am back in the here and now. Feeling connected and accepting of it all.

E xperiencing

out with the old...

2009-11-09T11:53:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I was chatting online with my chemical romance and he was telling me how good I looked the last time I was over. I told him that I think I have actually lost more weight in the past week and a half. He pretty much likes me the way that I am, but he definitely notices how my confidence changes with every lost pound. And with the weight loss, my clothes have changed and he most certainly likes that. He is seeing a new woman each time we meet :-) I feel much sexier and comfortable when we are together, but I am glad he is okay either way.

As of today, I have lost 49 lbs! I can not believe it...it is mind boggling! I am sure I will meet my goal of 30 lbs by Christmas...I have 11 lbs to go, but would like to lose 21!!!!

So back to yesterday. As, I am talking with him I got the urge to run...what the heck? Been off for two weeks, but I was up disinfecting and cleaning yesterday so I went for it. Did over 3 miles at an easy pace and it was not difficult. I expected maybe 10 minutes or so, but I felt like I could run forever. Went back upstairs and decided it was time for another sweep of the old clothes.

This time I went through drawers and totes in addition to the closet and I was able to get rid of so much. Some of it was hard to let go, but I am never going back - ever. I always hoped I would get back into some of these things. I am in them and have even had to get rid of them :) Loving this journey.

Hopefully, I can see my chemical romance soon - he has banished me for fear of contracting H1N1...but, I can be pretty persistent. Also, Sweet Daddy will be home in less than two months - I miss him and can't wait to hug him!!!

Farewell favorite work shirt - I love you, but Ashley made me promise to let you go after the latest shopping spree...forgive me...

And goodbye to you, my wedding shirt in my favorite color of pink...we had a great run :)

And you, the jeans I was so happy to get into 20-25 lbs ago. You were so cute, and I will never forget how you looked when you fit...but you really blew it the last time at Pickle's when you wouldn't stay up (not real mad about that - lol), so it's over! Again, forgive me...

And the rest of you...good bye - thanks for the good times, but it's time to move on. It's not you, it's me!

Motivated for the next 50,

my first day back...

2009-11-07T17:49:00.000-06:00

So, I have been sick all week and out of work. Today is the first day I have ventured out of the house for fun. Yesterday, I did go to express care and the store to get Lysol. Anyway, today I stopped by Cyndi and Chad's to pick up my FLs CD and see the girls in their costumes (had to skip T or Ting this year due to AJ being sick) then off to Old Navy. ON is an addiction lately - it's terrible. But this time I really meant to go only to have a security tag removed from a pair of pants I got last week (I didn't steal them either, they were rolled up)!

Well, I got there and noticed it was 30% off if you use your card, so I went to find this cute pair of active pants that I love. Because if you love them you need 2, but they didn't have a second in my size last time. It's worth a shot right, of course. And on the way over to them I saw this adorable green sweatshirt with faux fir - need it, grab it, move on. Found the pants and they had my size - yippee, need them, grab them, move on. In the checkout line I noticed the sports socks were still on sale...so grabbed 6 pair - I run, need them, grab them, check out!

Was just gonna go back home, but saw that damn Culver's and had to get my beef on...son of a bitch!

Oh totally forgot, when I was leaving my building saw 2 little girl's bikes laying in the hallway. Crawled over them to get my mail and again to get out to my car. Right when I got to the door...I see this just laying by the bikes...WTF????

Finally back home. Going to hit the hot tub since I am so sore from laying in bed all day...but luckily, I have my new laptop and my lovely and comfy new bedding to keep me somewhat happy :-)

What did I get myself into?...

2009-11-06T01:09:00.003-06:00

I was awoke this evening in quite a pleasant manner, so I really don't mind. It's nice to know you are wanted, even if it comes in the form of an early morning text :) - thanks pickle. Anyway, Amy and I joked about it earlier but for real...a little nervous about K.

Got a text tonight from him saying he broke up with the girl in TX. Okay, background...K recently told me he left MN to go to TX. He was a little shady on the details, but I knew something was up. So, I pushed but was only able to get info when I agreed to let him talk to me on the phone. Come to find out, he left MN to go to TX to get back with his ex. Once there, he realized he had made a terrible mistake. Also said, would have come to me if I'd asked. Well, first of all, I do not really know him at all. Second, I am physically involved with someone and not interested since K wants marriage and babies.

Now, I have been home all week sick with the flu and K texts and calls me daily. I said, if you don't like her you should stop seeing her. He expressed a fear of being alone with nothing in TX since he had spent his money getting there and taken off of school and given up his apt. I certainly can appreciate his trepidations, but come on. I am not one to talk b/c I have certainly stayed in bad situations too long, but I learned from that and will not do it again. So, I figured...man up...leave.

Ok, now onto this evening when I get the call...I said, wow it is late for you to call (9:30 pm - she is generally home from work so we don't talk after 7pm - yeah nice, I know) and he said he ended it and she left. I was shocked. He then said he didn't know what he was going to do. And if I didn't have my roommate aka ex, he could come here...ah no!!!! Then he said, I could go to RCTC...that is the college in this city...ah double no!!!! This is fascinating since I just told him tonight that I should come clean about N and D and I am not looking for anything serious. He said okay, we can just be friends.

Then he went online and said, if I don't come up with a plan by Monday I will be out on the streets, so I may have to get a shopping cart for my things. Great, anyone who knows me realizes I am a fucking bleeding heart liberal who thinks she can save the whole mother fucking world. I said, I do not want this guilt of worrying. I hope you didn't do this for me...he said, it's okay I am just getting prepared for what is going to happen until I can come see you. Heysus people...are you kidding me?

I don't think I am picking up what he is throwing down...I don't want to - lol. He is freaking me out. He knows I do not want a baby right now, or a bf, or most certainly a husband. And he doesn't even know me. I mean, I think I am smart and nice...probably fairly easy to get along with if I like you...not ugly, getting a better body all the time - but shit, I can be a bitch. I can be completely unreasonable. I am not perfect and I don't pretend to be. He builds me up so big and he has never seen me. He doesn't know what "makes me tick", what makes me smile, what makes me ...well, you get the idea.

I miss my normal fucked up life because I just have this feeling he is going to end up here and bother me and make me feel guilty or kill me - lol. I have sort of had it with men who are married - oh yeah, he is too. So, how did he plan to start this perfect make believe life with me? Good question!!!!

Harry, done but still wish I would have gotten some more than I did. Kevin done, glad I never did anything with him...he is a clinger and would likely fall in love.

Tonight, I learned I am grateful for the great thing I have going with my chemical romance, and I reinforced that I am NOT ready for a relationship.

Wow - how do I get out of this one without being a bitch. I can ignore some calls b/c I am sick...but then what? Grrrr....note to self - you don't always have to be so nice to strangers even when they give you the attention you thought you wanted.

E

our story...

2009-11-05T18:40:00.001-06:00

So, N is one of my closest friends in the world. I really do love him so much. Even thinking about losing him makes it hard to breathe. I met him over 10 years ago at work. He was one of the newbies, and I instantly liked him because he was not like everyone else. A little dorky, but that is what I go for. I thought his name was Jeff and quickly told people at work I was going to get Jeff.

He would come to my desk often and oh my lord, I was trying so hard to impress him and never got any response. Then one night a co-worker said that I should come out because some work people were going out and Jeff might come. Well I was in! Got there and saw him right away, talking to another girl - boo! Sara said, "well I don't see Jeff but he will be here". I said, "he is right there"...and she was like, "oh gosh - Elisa, that is Nathan" (he still teases me about this blunder). Funny because that is so typical of me to get something in my head and go with it. So, I went to the bar to get a drink and he was standing with my friend Bill. I heard him say, "she is so beautiful". Of course I only wished he was talking about me. I played it cool, and said "hi guys".

Later, on the dance floor he came up to me and asked if I knew his name. I smiled and said I did now :) Then he asked if I had a ride home, I lied and said no...he offered and I started plotting. Right when we got into his car he asked me how long I've been at Mayo, etc. Sadly, he was surprised to learn I had a degree from a 4 year...at this point I was an admin assistant and apparently, they are stupid and uneducated. He is uber smart, so I was turned on instantly. Back at my place the rest is history. He me me feel incredible...I have never felt so in tune with another person, and he seemed as though he wanted to melt right into me and couldn't get enough.

We continued to see each other, but no commitment. I wanted it with him, but he would slip in and out of my life. This continues to this day, though he promises me he is not going anywhere.

Since N, I have had two relationships. J - just over 3 years. He was a drug user and couldn't stay out of jail or keep out of other girls. Then there was M - the current roomie who I was with for 3.5 years even though there was nothing physical between us. Throughout both in the 7 years or so, I stayed in touch with N. Then, this May he sent me a text saying he was sorry that he hasn't been in touch but he didn't know how to deal with the distance between us or the fact that I had a family. He thought I was married to M and we had a kid - lmao. What is was, is I lived with M and my niece Emily was living with us for awhile.

I sent him a text back saying there was no family, where are you, and M and I are not really together and in separate rooms. So, we continued where we left off and met a few days later. I ended up staying in a hotel with him and realized I still loved him, and I needed to end it with M. Problem = M and I were going to California the very next day. M found out I was with a guy and didn't want to go to CA. In the end, he went but I told him I thought it was over. I told him about N. He wanted to work it out. I tried, but kept talking to N. Nothing changed so I ended it a few weeks later. Went to NYC with N and learned he cared about me as much as I care about him. However, he still can't commit.

With promises of 2010 trips and a visit at Christmas...all I can do is wait and see what happens. One thing's for sure. I am telling him how I feel. But there someone else in the picture now that I don't want to give up. Still, if N had a female D, I would die...

isn't that what i wanted?...

2009-11-05T18:36:00.005-06:00

So, for the past few months there has been this guy K that I have talked to on occasion. He keeps asking me out, but up until now I have respectfully declined. One reason is that I did not want to start seeing one more guy in the cities. Another reason is that I feel I am really only interested in three people right now (N, D, and H). Yet another reason is that he seems very serious. I am not very serious. The other day he sent me a text saying that he has liked me from the very beginning and that if I am ready for a commitment to let him know since he is NOT looking for anything casual.

Strangely, I am. I do not want a boyfriend at this point. It sounds weird or unbelievable, but it is true. Granted I don't generally pick the best men or boys to get in a relationship with, but I change in relationships too and I don't like that. I like being with one person - I do. It feels comfortable and safe (STD issues, trust can build, you can just be yourself make up or none, sex is great when you focus on one partner), but it also makes people try to control the other. We can not own other individuals. You can't force someone to be with only you. You can hope they like you enough to do so, but trust me when I say smothering someone pushes them away. I have been on both sides of this. I hate to not be trusted, but I also hate to be told what to do.

If I like you and we are together, I will not be with another. If I don't, well then I will most certainly not be with you. And if you won't commit, neither will I! So, if I am with only you, I promise I am not with anyone else. Right now, that is not the case :(

N made it very clear in NYC that he cared about me and wanted to be with me, but this is not our time. His job, his location, etc. It all sucked and it hurt because we have been doing this for over 10 years. But, I can't just sit around and wait. So, I start dating - that was hard!!!! I wanted him!

I met a bunch of frogs, then I met D. It was shady, and I should have gone about it a different way...but, several weeks later I am still way into him. He is the first person I have been able to get into outside of N. I am not letting this go anytime soon, but that raises the dilema...N does not want me with D. I want D, I want N. I also want H, but he is married. I can't have him?!!! Get it through my head - he is not available even though he wants me...we almost had sex...I am glad we didn't, but I also regret that I didn't do more before I knew the truth.

I swear I want all three. They are all smart, they are all witty - I laugh so much, the smile is permanent, they are all into great music, they are so unique and not cookie cutter, they are physically perfectly imperfect, they all make me feel super hot, they make my body respond without effort, they appreciate the parts of me others rarely see. Blissful and dirty!

Then there is K, who tells me he could fall for me. I am so beautiful. Sends me random daily texts or voice notes saying he is thinking of me. That is what I thought I wanted. Now I have these guys that I am lucky to talk to 1-2/wk and I can't get enough.

(side bar - as I write this N's friend B sent me a text reading - hey stranger, what's up?) Weird! I am telling you N gets me every time. It's hopeless though, because at this point, I am a crazed person who just wants sex and attention...wow!!! I am like a guy...

Anyway, I appreciate K, but I think this just goes to show I am with "the unavailables" b/c I am not ready to be in a relationship. I fear the jealousy, the possession, the obligation, the finality. I welcome the fun, the freedom, and the kink that comes with my chemical romance and sweet daddy. HAP is done. He is hot and turns me on, but I am not a homewrecker!!!!

E

mutha fucka....

2009-11-03T17:18:00.001-06:00

I can not even express my rage in an intelligent manner right now, so I am about to get trashy up in hur...

Matt is a mother fucker! Ya know, it is really my fault that I stayed with him so long. I don't even know why I did...okay, I do. I felt sorry for him. He is helpless and I know he has some emotional issues that kept me trying to be supportive. But there is only so much you can do when people don't want to help themselves. Also, I forgot the most important thing when trying to make it work - I WAS NOT HAPPY! Not at all.

In the 3.5 years, he never supported me emotionally, physically, or financially. In fact, I paid for nearly everything (he didn't even help with utilities). He paid $400/mo even when the house we were in was $1350.00/mo + util. I never complained b/c I knew he made less money. But when I needed anything - he would not help. For example, if I wanted him to run to the store for me - nope!

We didn't even sleep together. We had separate rooms the entire time we lived together. I went for almost a year with no physical contact from him. Now that I am having fun w/ pickle...can't even go two weeks without wanting to jump his bones. How did I do it? I will tell you, after a long time of being rejected and told no you just stop asking and caring. You get numb. But before that process there is a lot of swearing, throwing things, fighting, screaming, threatening, and crying.

Worst part...he masturbated all the time and now tells me he may be gay. Thanks for wasting 3.5 years of my life and making me feel like a piece of shit for wanting to cheat on your stupid ass every fucking time I saw anyone with a dick!

Today I am sick. I asked him to go get me juice - nope. Then he comes home today and tries to shut my bedroom door. I told him to leave it open because I needed some air. He said "but, oh...germs" (good time to mention he has OCD and Anxiety Disorder) and I said, "tough shit, then move out!" Why won't he leave? He is ruining my life. If only I would have broken up with him in April instead of May! We would not be living together.

My chemical romance and sweet daddy both refuse to come see me here as long as he is living here...I say F THAT...get your ass over here and let's do what we do best...I want him to hear it!!!! Sad thing is, it wouldn't even bother him...he still wouldn't leave. But why should I suffer? I have a hot tub here...that is hot! Could make for a fun night and my bed has not seen any action - EVER!!!

FUCK!!!!! I am so pissed and sick of giving and not getting shit in return. I am now going to be a bitch...he is leaving one way or another! This is my mother fucking apartment!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH - I need some release!

Punch him in the face if you ever see him! And tell him to move!!!!

Under the weather...

2009-11-03T06:56:00.001-06:00

So, I had a very hard time sleeping last night. What started as a migraine that kept me home yesterday has now become something much worse. My throat hurts, my body hurts from coughing, my ears hurt, and dammit my eyes even hurt. I can only think of one thing that would feel good right now...and perhaps not even that :-(

So, today again, I will lie in bed nude wishing I had the energy to go get some juice or something. I wish I had someone here who cared about me and would go get me a juice or some soup or something...no, no food.

It's not just that though. I am having a hard time sleeping because I have so much on my mind still. My father did not try to call me once this past weekend. It is like a relief, but also...the guilt creeps in. Is he lonely, is he sad, is he wondering if I am okay...

I have got to get over it. It looks like I am making the decision to not talk to him for the time being, so I have to be strong and stick with that. It is so weird that I am so disconnected from so much in my life but still have so much guilt. I have to put myself first and not worry so much about how everyone else feels. They never cared about me...

On another note, N is going through something...he is displaying some odd behavior which triggers my concern. I hope all is well with him, but I know he is uber stressed with work right now and does not want to be in CT anymore. I wish he was home too. 2 more months and I can be with him again! Pickle? Well, I guess I will just cross that bridge when I come to it - if he is still in the picture. I hope he is.

Another hope, HAP...sticks around too. I know, I am selfish and terrible, but he is so easy to talk to. We will keep it platonic...I miss talking to him so much, that I just want to go with it for awhile. He is happy in his relationship right now, so there really shouldn't be a problem. Besides, I have my hands full with 2 other guys I am "not in a relationship" with - lol.

Good times, and time for a nap. Been up since 3. PS...had a message from Kevin at 4:30 this am...no wonder he is never around at night. Odd, but as usual, his message was nothing but complimentary.

E

happy halloween from the drunk bitch...

2009-11-01T22:15:00.009-06:00

So, I dressed up for the first time in years and the night was to be our first web show. However, in my attempts to get drunk enough to have a good time (yes, I have to drink to have a good time), I got annihilated. The evening started off easy enough...me and my bottle of vodka - anyone who knows me knows i am more of a shot girl - so, I got started. I was feeling buzzed and got my groove on early...this should have been the trigger to back off the shots...but nope, I had already drank myself stupid.

I remember dancing to Miley and Taylor. I remember Amy going on the deck b/c here allergies were out of control due to Fish. I remember talking to Georgie. I remember talking to Benji. I remember asking Matt, the ex, to leave then telling him his ass looked hot in jeans. The rest is gone, there is nothing.

Well, I woke up at 5:30 am naked. When I went into my bathroom, there was vomit in the sink and on the floor. Better still, my shower curtain rod was ripped off the wall and lying in the tub. I went to the kitchen for water and noticed there was a garbage can outside my door along with some more vomit by my feet, lovely. 5 aspirin later, I took my place back in bed after washing the zombie remains off my face. Then I saw that I had some missed text messages. OMG - HAP... and I missed it (note to self, do not get so excited about the married guy, but I do so I text him back for awhile before both going back to bed. Kev had also sent me a text telling me I was hot...lol. Well, I guess it is nice to hear.

After talking with Benji and Amy, it appears I was one hot mess. I can't fucking believe I blacked out and wasted the best buzz I have had in ages from booze!

it's all about the benjamins...

2009-10-30T17:00:00.031-05:00

Wow. Big day with Ashley. We did some serious shopping. First of all, we weren't even sure we were going to OLD NAVY for their HUGE sale because I was spending the night in the cities with my chemical romance. But, lucky me, she called when I was on my way into town and said she was standing in line for the 50% - sweet, we are in!

Cruisin no more than 5 over due to my most recent brush with "Johnny Law", I was only going to keep her waiting about 25-30 minutes (not bad for anyone who has had to wait for me). Sad but true, it is fairly common for me to be late. I suck! But I am honest.

Get in the store and there she is already in full force. I was not far behind and soon both our hands were overflowing with shirts that were going to cost us a mere $0.75 (holla - score!).

Now off to Culver's to get my beef on...dang! I still can't believe I am eating meat again. And now that I am not sick from it, I went for the kids meal and opted for the scoop of frozen custard b/c it is most delicious.

All in all - great day! I probably didn't need to spend all the money, but after losing all the weight...I have to get clothes. Especially since Ashley and Amy made me get rid of most of my old clothes. :)

in such a pissy place...

2009-10-27T21:32:00.029-05:00

I am a bear lately...nothing makes me happy. I am really sick of everything and nearly everyone in my life right now. How did I get off track? No running in a week! No talking online! No talking in person! Maybe I shouldn't get close to my chemical romance...perhaps he will not be able to understand why I am the way I am. No one believes how hard it is for me to love anyone...but it is. I am terrified of letting anyone in. Sad thing is, I am trying and I think it is going to blow up in my face. I am ready to take a chance and risk the possible hurt that goes with it.

Way back here is when life got fucked up for me, and no one gave a shit. So, here I am...a mess who is incapable of giving more than my body to anyone I care about. But if I don't like you romantically, you will get all of me - the fun stuff like my humor, my genuine concern, my interest, my loyalty.. Sad, I know, but that is just how it is right now. It is all I have ever known.

Am I getting too close to my chemical romance? Is that why I am freaking out? Did date rapist from Kwik Trip make my childhood traumas come back to the surface? Have I just grown tired of giving and never receiving? Is Sweet Daddy really the closest I have been to love? We are so fucked up it isn't even funny, but 10 years of being fucked up says something! Would I give up my pickle for him? Would I stop talking to HAP for him? Do I only like Hap b/c I can't have him? Why can't I? Great, now I am pissed again (or still) - lol, that is my first laugh in days!

On a side note, I am doing a lot more with my guitar. I have increased my playlist, and I am still working on some power chords to surprise my chemical romance with a song. I am a little nervous, but also excited. I think he will love it, and he will respond with lots of fun thank yous!

I hope next week is better. I don't want to be sad E anymore.

sweet pickle...

2009-10-23T12:21:00.007-05:00

Things are going pretty well with my pickle...aka my chemical romance. He makes me happy. I really enjoy his company. He is sexy, he is funny, he is smart, he is attentive, he is chill, and he is very complimenting of me. also, he does what he needs to do to make me happy. Oddly enough, I am feeling strangely close to him. This does not happen often; I don't think I like him like him...yet, but I feel very connected like he is someone I am supposed to be with right now.

I do have some secrets that I would rather never bring to the surface as long as I live, but some things are coming up that need to be addressed with us. I will tell him a bit about me and hope he stays since he is a lovely companion right now.

Still, I think about HAP and Sweet Daddy all the time. I wish I could keep all three forever. It sucks that Hap is married, and I still feel very deceived by him. He was very very clickable. It is weird going from talking to someone literally every day and night to nothing, And when I saw him...instant BT's (beaver tingles)...he is hot. And again, fun, and interesting. In fact, the three are so much alike...it is hard to separate any differences. I want them all for myself forever...that would be lovely...selfish me.

Sweet Daddy is still my number one, but it is hard with him so far away. He is jealous, but tells me he knows I can't just wait for him. Still, I would. Or maybe I wouldn't. I don't know, could I give up pickle now? Or, the want to be with HAP? I never considered myself a homewrecker, but why can't I have what I want? I am always sitting back and watching everyone else get theirs...I want mine!

We'll see how this goes...

to be continued - song for the day - crown of love by arcade fire.

Challah....

2009-10-19T21:24:00.002-05:00

So, I have been taking it easy and running about 2 miles about every other day...until now! Tonight I pushed myself to run 3.1 to get in gear for 5k's this spring...and, I DID IT!!!! Yay, I really didn't think I would be a runner again, but I am and I am so damn happy. Inspiration = to get in shape and be hot in my 30's. Inspiration today = to get comfortable enough to do a little strip tease for a certain someone :-) Yeah, I am going to enjoy that one!!!!!

3 miles + or bust from here on out...no excuses! No surrender, no defeat!!!

E

Mr. E's beautiful blues...

2009-10-18T19:20:00.003-05:00

Ah, Mr. E is a mystery...cleaver play on words, eh? :)

How does he know when I am detaching? It is like the second I tell myself to move on...he calls or texts. And it just throws me in a tizzy tailspin. Don't get me wrong, that is what I want...he is who I want. Still, it is always when I least expect it - when I have business with someone else. For example, every date I have been on in the past month or two...Mr. E gets a hold of me. Now that I am very casually seeing someone (nothing serious - he is just wicked fun and hot), he tells me it makes him throw up in his mouth to think about me with another guy. Then tells me he knows I can't wait around for him...but, in the same conversation states he may be coming home to trout run soon...wtf??? What am I supposed to do with that? And how do I give my sexy pickle my all when I am thinking about my Nathan coming back?!

Grrr...I know there are bigger problems in the world, but I am just trying to have fun and live life with people I enjoy...and here comes this big huge cock block (well, he isn't my only cock block right now, but anyway)...the boy I heart too much...poor me.

On the flip side, my companion pickle is too much fun. He always makes me laugh and smile; he is sarcastic and smart. I think he sort of gets me, but I am not getting him at all and enjoying every minute of it - lol (he is an enigma - I think perhaps a little bipolar), but it is always a rad/fun adventure with E and D...I am just enjoying the ride until it comes to end. Hopefully, not too soon...I like to make him smile too - he is going to be a good friend! He is a nice addition to Nathan...they are very similar in many areas...too many areas ;)

E asy on the soul...

Back in the Saddle Again...

2009-10-15T13:59:00.003-05:00

So, I am still running...however, have been a little distracted lately. I am back on track and doing well...motivation...check, importance...check, determination...check. My goal is still 30 lbs by my birthday, but 20 lbs may be more likely. Still, I am determined to continue getting into shape.

Reason, I feel great when I am lighter. Reason, I am actually starting to feel sexy. Reason, I have someone who thinks I am sexy now - I can't wait until I blow his mind. Reason, my relationship is much more productive and enjoyable with my chemical romace (hello stamina). He recently said he wanted to get in shape so he feels better and has more energy. Really, I love his body right now and think he is far from lazy...but, if it will make him happy - I am all for it. Just hope he doesn't think it matters to me.

I am kind of coming down off of my cloud right now and starting to feel tired (yawn). I want to just go home and lay in bed, think of my night and morning, smile, and sleep...but, instead I will run, shower, then lay in bed, think of my night and morning, smile, and sleep (oh, I will likely watch family guy before my slumber).

I had a great night as usual with my chemical romance. Always laughing and happy and excited! I love how I get random "shhhh's", "shut your mouth, right now's", "it's time to sleep, right now's", and other sarcastic hostilities thrown at me :-) Quite hilarious. I gave him a gift that I had made by a friend...worried that he would think I was getting attached. Luckilly, he was very happy with it said he would put it up - whew, huge sigh of relief. I really can't be more clear about the fact I don't want our situation to change. He makes me feel liberated and freaky (the kind that is hot), but I am just a caring person who likes to do nice things for people.

I look forward to my E & D time, and hope I can keep this one for awhile...biting nails thinking about N coming home soon. Also, the invite for me to go see him next month. Initially, I was comparing D to N...now because D and I are so matched in terms of chemistry...I worry I will now use him as the comparison with N. How did I get here...and why did it take a freak show with D to get Nathan to tell me how he felt sick to know I am seeing someone else instead of him...? Boys are drama too - and not just the gay ones!

E vil is my new favorite song...

Update on my Harry (HAP)...

2009-10-13T19:58:00.004-05:00

The mother fucker is married!!! Dammit...FML! Ok, so now there are 2...fun=D/relationship=N.

My first MD in years...

2009-10-13T13:05:00.004-05:00

Let me start by saying, for the time being, I am giving up dating. Don't believe me...just watch and learn!

1. Took me forever to get over my trip with Nathan. Love this boy too much - he has my heart.

2. Got started with too many boys at once - who the hell do I think I am?

3. Met someone in between that I have lovely chemistry with (D) - he has my physical body.

4. Met someone who made me laugh (H) - he had my mind.

5. Met someone who asked about me (R)- he had my curiosity.

6. Met someone who was adorable and shy (A) - he had my interest.

I still love Nathan, but this is not our time. I am very much enjoying my time with my chemical romance. My laughter left when the ex gf came back. My curious boy was a fucking creepster who left me with bruises (I was asleep) - what a piece of shit. And the adorable shy one started smoking and kissed like a man with no lips might.

Woe is me!

So the MD you ask...R, the curious one, is the first Major Douche I have encountered in years. Was so tired, still went over to his place...stupid. Fell asleep and he got angry. At one point, had a dick in my ear and a tit in his mouth...fucking hurt. Tried to push him off...got pulled on top of him - felt drugged...had my legs pulled in every direction...fingers left bruises...I am going to punch his fucked up face if I ever see him again.

Delete and walk away...move on...no dating for now.

Miss HAP, enjoy D, still heart N.

I wonder why the 3 survive my picking apart of males in my life. With them, imperfections become incredibly perfect. My relationship with D is perfect and I want nothing to change. It is so uncomplicated and perfect. It is honest and raw and it meets our needs. Anything beyond this would ruin everything with us. I even told him a secret of mine because I think of him as a friend now - he now knows I left home my senior year...though I can not tell him it was because my parents preferred to spend their time with the boyfriend that beat me up rather than their own daughter...he may not call me his little hottie anymore...he may see me for the garbage that was tossed out to the curb even though I left her behind long ago. PS another coincidence...from my list again...he asked if I liked the Flaming Lips...duh! He talked about their new album dropping and again played it cool even though I totally got the thing pre-release - lol. I am a dork, he is right.

I appreciate that he accepts our situation and will let it just be what it is - friends with benefits. He is a lovely benefit :)

E asily amused

I found Harry...

2009-10-10T00:40:00.009-05:00

Good news - I found HAP. Bad news - his ex gf came back to town and convinced him to move in with her. WTF? Why would you do that, Harry? I mean, make the girl prove herself after leaving you heartbroken. And though it felt good to know he really liked me, nothing felt good about knowing it was the last time I would see him for awhile...if ever.

I should not make so many excuses. I really liked him and should have let him know. I am the queen of bad timing and making excuses, and sadly...I deserve to be left behind.

I miss my funny face...

Trail of Dead...

2009-10-05T20:56:00.067-05:00

So, I am bothered lately because I was not honest with someone. And, it was for a stupid reason. Okay, so this person I am getting to know was talking about this band, and I played it off like I didn't really know much about them. When you have so much in common with someone, it can almost seem unreal or like the person is just saying what they think you want to hear. I am not that girl (very independent) and would hate if anyone thought my opinions are not original. My mind is full of lists...sometimes these lists are ranked...and sometimes these lists are tests that I hope one day will be validated. This was a case of the latter. I have a list of bands that for whatever reason mean a lot to me. It is my hope that I will encounter people who also enjoy these bands and can understand why I hold them dear (or have at least heard of them).

My list of bands I want to share (top 5 without order) = arcade fire, violent femmes, flaming lips, dead milkmen, and the cure.

My list of songs I want to share (top 5 without order) = just like heaven, the blower's daughter, will you smile again for me, golden years, and is this it.

My list of movies I want to share (top 5 without order) = shawshank redemption, magnolia, fight club, kentucky fried movie, and the godfather.

My list of books I want to share (top 5 without order) = animal farm, lord of the flies, where the wild things are, sideways, and angela's ashes.

So, the first night I met this guy we were hanging out and an arcade fire song came on tv...maybe in the backseat? I assumed it was a car commercial - lol, but when I said, "oh I love arcade fire" he not only knew them, but liked them. Nice.

Then we were talking one day and he sent me a link to so divided by and you will know us by the trail of dead. He said it was a very powerful song when he and his long term gf broke up. I was completely caught off guard and was like yah, I have heard of them...what I really wanted to say was that in 05-06 the rest will follow was a crutch for me in a long term break up and transition of starting graduate school. I didn't mention it b/c he would never believe it. I don't believe him - is he a robot sent to destroy me with his "beautiful face" - does he realize, lol!

More coinincidentals...when I was at his place he mentioned the Shawshank Redemption being a favorite...well, guess what - me too...no shit! But everyone loves that movie, right!? And as if he walked into my head and read my list of 5 things I would like a guy to do for me...he left the room and came back with a guitar. NO FUCKING WAY - he plays and sings. I was wet (V) :)

He is going to be a great friend! I will NOT ever let myself like him more...I do not really like people once I like them like them...I am an odd duck.

One thing is for sure - I mos def dig this guy and like what we do!!!! He makes me really like myself a lot :)

E Underpants

smaller again...

2009-10-04T16:40:00.003-05:00

Went shopping today and was able to get 2 pairs of jeans in smaller sizes and a great sweater in regular - no plus size - even with the boobs :-) I am so excited and happy. I almost cried because I feel like I am getting my life back - jogging is saving me from misery!!! It has been so long since I have been able to shop and find things that fit and look good...hell yeah! I deserve it because I am working my tail off for it. Goal is 30 more lbs by my birthday on Dec 23!!!! I will do it too!

And had some fun with Ashley in the Junior's section...I was so close to buying these pants - lol

same old song and dance...

2009-10-04T16:26:00.006-05:00

Ok, I realize that I am uber assertive and sometimes borderline controlling. However, I am glad that I am able to say what I feel. No one ever has to guess what I am thinking because I make it very clear, and if for some reason I can't be clear - my explanations are enough that someone could easily deduce what I meant. That being said, I am over people who can't be real with me. I hate the masks that they wear when posing as a friend, a potential mate, a confidant. It may take me awhile because of my desire to trust, but I eventually see through it all. This is so disappointing because it would have been easier to just tell me. Say hey, I don't like you or hey, I just needed your money, or hey...just needed a place to crash and I knew you couldn't say no.

So, wondering what happened with A-Ron...really liked him (smart, cute, great voice, witty, and easy to be around), and thought he liked me to...or so he said. Had a mediocre conversation one night, I apologized, he bolted, I apologized again...then he said no big deal and that I may have blown it out of proportion - well yeah, don't want to be a bitch! So, I try to make things right if it is my fault.

Talk a bit on Thursday, ask him to call me Friday instead since my there was some ER drama with the family...he said yes, and I am coming Sat. Yeah, wipe brow - things are back on track - sigh of relief...I didn't fuck things up. Or did I? Saturday 2PM text message stating that he is sorry for the late notice but can't make it. No phone call!!!! A text...I tried calling - surprise, no answer. I text - I kind of feel like you are blowing me off. Reply, not blowing you off just trying to get things ready...no further contact. I reached out again (because I am a fucking glutton for punishment ) saying that I understood something came up but would like to see him again and will wait to here...I may be waiting a long time :(

I am okay, since I hardly knew him...but hours of great conversation really left me satisfied and now I feel hungry and thirsty for more. I am such a sucker for a smart guy who is funny too. I just want it all...the double A-ron was a special find, but can not be the only good one out there. I hate dating...I just want to find someone who gets me and wants to make the time.

Satan is my motor...

2009-09-28T13:12:00.003-05:00

Today I am excited that someone is challenging me mentally, and that they are exposing me to new things. This is something I crave on a daily basis, but often remain hungry for information. I do believe that I am quite the knowledge base when it comes to music, art, and movies...still, there is so much great stuff out there that is generally only known through 'word of mouth'. My current circles at times offer me a nugget or gem, but this new wealth of music is outstanding! I have been readily researching and experiencing as much as I can lately. If you were looking at me know, there would be a grateful smile shining bright in your direction.

Today, I am also feeling thankful for wonderful moments with someone I enjoy and hope to continue getting to know better. I am happy to be comfortable in my own skin and proud of decisions I make. Though I am not always proud of the fact that, at times, I still struggle to put the needs or wants of others first. So, I am sorry that I was disrespectful in my blissful state of being. And I am sorry I didn't tell you about it, just as I am sorry I may never tell you about it...as, this is one of those things I will keep with me because it is mine and I desire to hold it close - again my selfish desire to relive it alone.

I feel excited for a date tomorrow with this great person (A). Butterflies in the belly in anticipation of his reaction to me - am I a bait and switch? I sure hope not!!!! Will he think I am funny? Will he think I am cute? Is he going to accept that I am a dirty bird? Will he make me laugh? Will he be himself and not try too hard? Can we talk and also sit in silence? Will he bring something new to my day? I hate dates! I hate relationships! I want to meet people! I want to click with someone! I want to share physical space and energy with someone, but I don't want to grow more tired and cynical...don't promise me love, just promise me that right now this is exactly where you want to be!!!!

I know people that don't like when they aren't the ones to make a discovery. I like that I am opposite. I love when someone turns me on to something new and exciting - it makes me feel that there is a reason people come into our lives! As of late, I am blessed...but too much too soon is never a good thing. Will I skip to the end or let the stories play out? Mr. Brightside playing in my mind right now - cynicism creeps in slowly...

Never a dull moment!!!!

E

the not quite full monty...

2009-09-13T10:16:00.004-05:00

I decided to post this because It is going to be motivation to keep forward with the journey. I am finally starting to see some good curves :) Uff da...here we go...yikes!!!! 40lbs so far!

When you feel pain in your heart...

2009-09-10T10:46:00.005-05:00

Today I struggle with emotions of pain, love, hope, joy, and devestation. My brother and his wife Melissa lost what would have been their first child yesterday, and I am so hurt. I hurt because I love them both so much, and knowing they are in pain is almost unbearable.

I feel devestated and would love to be able to take their pain away because I know they feel empty, and years later...that emptiness is never filled. But, I feel hope for them that they will heal to the point they decide it is worth the risk to try again.

I feel joy that we have friends and family to hold us when we are at our limit of tears and fear.

Today is a sad day.
Elisa

40 lbs later...

2009-09-10T10:16:00.001-05:00

another sleepless night...

2009-09-08T00:14:00.003-05:00

Right now I am feeling kind of pissed off. I am tired, but I can't sleep. It is another one of those times where the thoughts just keep coming like a wave, and I can not get my head above water to find relief.

What I am mostly struggling with tonight is anger. I am mad that my past, society, and the people I have cared for have left me bitter. I am a cynic when it comes to believing that two people can find one another and make a life that works. I have yet to find the reciprocal relationship where each strives to make the other happy. Even if one is at a different level of ability...the communication is there to let the other know they are still a team.

I want to be part of a team...I am a team player...coach, just put me in. I will try harder to trust someone until they give me a reason not to...rather than blaming them for all the hurt caused by others. I will tear down this wall if someone asks me to. I know what I have to give, and I know how much I could share and teach. I know what I want too. So, why do I sabotage?

I feel like we can't show concern or ask for attention or complain when we don't get it because then we are needy. But, the man can come and go as he pleases and call or not call as he pleases and we wait. If we don't, we feel like pests. Maybe we just need to know that even though you don't need as much attention, you see that we do and therefore, you just send a greeting to say hello...was thinking about you.

I just want to stop thinking and live life...it is too short and I have let too much slip by already. I will put myself out there and take a chance. Now, I know I may get burned...but, I may finally have the opportunity to fall in love and live happily ever after with my best friend who is willing to work as hard as me to stay connected.

I have too much going on right now to focus on much more than just being available...I don't want to do all the work, so I won't.

Waiting for my witty prince,
Elisa

40 lbs

2009-09-07T12:25:00.009-05:00

Oh yeah, and I am officially down 40 lbs today!!!!

I can NOT believe it, and it is a wonderful accomplishment. I am exercising everyday, and I feel like this is just part of who I am now.

On the flip side...I am still self conscious and when people say I am sexy, I can NOT believe them. I fear that I will still not be good enough for someone because though the size is smaller, I am still far from perfect.

I just want someone to like all of me...and be okay with the dimples and bumps that come with this package.

Going to The Final Destination 3-D today with Cyndi and Lisa and then dinner at BD with Amy...it will be a good day.

Off to run... just did some abs :)
Elisa

A bittersweet symphony...

2009-09-07T12:19:00.008-05:00

So, here comes the guilt of not keeping up on this...and it passes. I have the best intentions and things to get out, but sometimes the reality of it all is overwhelming. But in the words of Claudia Winston Gator in Magnolia, "I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people". I have decided that this blogging is taking on a new form. What started as a weight loss journey soon molded in the form of a journal of sorts...as the title states, a piece of me...but I have held back (a trick I learned early in life) and revealed very little.

Okay, so I met someone - well sort of, he is an online favorite right now. Didn't expect much because that is just the way I am, but there was something so intriguing about his eyes. After talking some, it became clear that this was no "ordinary" guy. He is brilliant in my opinion, and I just had to explore further. He is charming, intelligent, witty, attractive, current, and very motivated. I told myself right away, that I already liked him and should not get wrapped up with petty things that I use to talk myself out of people so I don't get hurt first. I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't feel the urge to do that at all...he is deserving of nothing but kindness and respect. I worry about pushing him away...I don't know much different, but really like him and hope I can see him soon. It has been awhile since I have clicked with someone like this. I don't even mind that he is just my POF/Yahoo boy right now and not physically here with me...at least it's possible and it isn't CT like Nathan, the only other person I've ever let know me. I would let him know me...all of me...if only he would ask.

On another topic...today, I struggle with how I am feeling. I have never been one to let myself feel negative emotion because it just hurts too much. However, I have never really gotten past things either. So, the smart woman that I am...have decided if I really want to move on from the darkness that has nestled inside me, I have to feel...accept...move on. There is a disconnect...I wear a mask/I want to be seen...I can't love/I want to be loved...I feel empty/I want to be filled...I long for/I run from...I wish someone tried to know me/I am scared to show who I am...I want someone to trust me/I can't be trusted...I want one to stay/I push them away.

I have not talked to my father since my aunt's funeral. I just can't pick up the phone...it hurts because he is alone, but I have to think things through...he helped to create this mess that I've become. He warped my reality, haunted my dreams, hurt my family, betrayed my trust, took my youth, took my innocence...broke my heart. My whole life has been fixing everyone else and making sure they were happy. But, the whole time I was dying inside and fading into a pitiful existence - and where was everyone I helped, nowhere to be found. My whole life I have been alone, and that is why it is so hard to let anyone in. Will they just leave me to fend for myself as well?

I was born December 23, 1975 in Austin, MN...I have 2 brothers. I love music, art, kissing, dancing, singing, learning, listening, human rights, civil rights, and animal rights. I hate that I have started eating chicken again, that my father is in prison, that my mother is crazy, that my older brother doesn't care, that I don't trust, and that I don't believe I deserve love. I also hate that people lie and cheat, and I hate cruelty.

Well, I guess that is a start.
E

The me I strive to be...

2009-08-19T15:04:00.004-05:00

healthy in mind
healthy in spirit
healthy in body
self loving
self forgiving
honest to self
honest to others
kind to self
kind to others
compassionate
respectful
encompassing intelligence
trusting
supportive
happy
successful - that means something bigger for me (later blog discussion)
comfortable in my own skin
comfortable alone
willing to let someone love me

This is not far off from me right now. With some tweaking and growth - this should be easy to attain.

E

long time, no post...

2009-08-19T14:58:00.004-05:00

Talk about overwhelmed...life has a funny way of slapping the shit out of us sometimes. But, here I am and I am going as strong as ever! I am now down 35 lbs as of yesterday!!!! One more pound and I have reached my first major hurdle. From there...70 more lbs to go and I can't wait. I am loving this journey. Got rid of more clothes yesterday (that feels awesome b/c they are too big, not too tight for once!) and my VIP girls are threatening to come and raid my closet and pull a what not to wear bit on me. I was given direct orders to get rid of one shirt in particular, so that will go today :)

I love these girls - they really stand by and support a sister and I will continue to do the same for them. I love that we are all successful together...no jealousy, no one up...just love, support, congrats, and encouragement! I am blessed. I know I don't have many people in my life, but the ones I have chosen to share it with are pretty amazing.

I am still moving forward with my life vision and despite a break (not a bump) in the road, I am still excited to see what comes next!

Moving on...
E

The ACT Formula...my new journey

2009-08-11T21:16:00.004-05:00

A - Accept your current reality and feelings

C - Choose your life vision

T - Take action to get there

So, basically it is time for me to stop pretending and figure out (honestly)...who am I? What have I done? What can I still do? What can I have in this life? What steps do I need to take to get to happy head space?

First, I must assess where I am and where I have been to see the kind of person I would like to be.

Come with me...I welcome the accountability.

one down...several to go!

2009-08-11T20:59:00.007-05:00

So today I bought my bag! The first of my rewards with many more to come :) I am inserting a picture, so the one person who reads this can see it in all its loveliness...oh wait, she has already seen it. Oh, well maybe one day someone will actually read this thing...for now, it is my therapy.

Yippee. Also, last night I was able to get into 2 pairs of my 16 pants!!! Hello - I may be able to shop outside of the big girl store now.

E cstatic!

OMFG!!! Is this real?...

2009-08-10T15:04:00.006-05:00

As of today, August 10, 2009 - I am down 32 lbs!!!! I really didn't think it was possible, as I have been in a slump the past 8 years or so...but, here I am proving it to myself every day. And no tricks...just watching my portions and exercising. I still eat whatever I want, just less...and it was easy to increase exercise since I did NONE! I am now running 30 minutes 2 days a week, and soon will increase that to 4-5 times a week.

Pimpmaster Flex is going to show me some exercises for my pecs - to keep the girls supported with the weight loss :)

I am so excited, but I have a headache...so, I will celebrate silently!

4 pounds to go for first milestone.

E

New addition...

2009-08-06T22:20:00.006-05:00

So, the VIP girls (Ashley, Amy, and myself) have a new addition to the group...the one, the only - da da - Pimpmaster Flex (a.k.a. Jorge).

The best is yet to come,
E

28 pounds later...

2009-08-06T21:42:00.009-05:00

So, today it is official. I am down 28 lbs. I still can only tell a little bit, but when I think of that number it is large. I should give myself more credit. I mean, I am proud of myself...I am just overwhelmed with how much I still have to lose. The good news is that I am still very excited about the process. To continue the excitment, I have made a list of the things I will reward myself with for every 10 lbs lost. I would like to lose 78 more lbs...so, I will list my 8 things to get (in no particular order).

1. Coach bag - Op Art Sabrina
2. Shirts
3. Pants
4. Smaller and Sexier Panties
5. Laptop
6. Trip with my best friend Nathan
7. Coach Wallet to match grey bag in #1 spot
8. Large and travel bottles of L'eau D'Issey

8 lbs to my first reward, hmmm...what will it be? I suspect the bag since I loved it so much!!!!

I am getting back on track with the walking at work, so this should be a little easier. I have slowed down lately. I am also running 30 minutes at a time now, so that is very exciting. Now that I will be working days, I hope to run and do weights at least 5 days a week. I anticipate the walking at work will decrease, but I will still make it a priority on my downtime.

As John Bingham says, "Waddle On!"
E

Ick the Pics...

2009-07-31T21:42:00.007-05:00

Here we go, moment of truth...this is already after 25 lb weight loss, but I want to document from this point forward...ick frickin ick, but here we go! Here's to all natural!

Send in the clowns...

2009-07-31T19:43:00.006-05:00

So, there's a party in my pants...my two sizes smaller pants that is!!!! F yeah, I got into this bitches after about 2.5 years of trying to get them over my hips. I feel super great about this because it was unexpected. I went home over lunch today to get some clothes that are now too big for me, and I thought just for the heck of it I would try these jeans on since I don't like the way any of my fat ones fit. Hells Bells...they fit and were not even tight...I had to do a double take at the size thinking there was no way they were the pair I thought they were.

I continue to be motivated by the progress I am making, and I am over the moon to actually see the results as the fat just burns off of my body. I am going to put myself out there and post a pic so that I have a visual diary of today and my many tomorrows. If I can encourage one person to get off their tush - it is all worth it.

I have now lost about 25 lbs...and I am just getting started! In fact, it is time for a walk with my home girl AP!

See ya :-)

Knee Deep in the Hoopla

2009-07-30T15:08:00.016-05:00

Oh, look at our NYC Christmas card moment with Molly :-) This was a great night, probably one of my favorites on the trip. We spent most of the day in bed recovering from the night before, but soon ventured out to meet my friend E and his dog Molly at Pinkberry (yummy!!!). After some fro yo, we were off to walk through Central Park on our way to the Museum of Natural History. Great walk through the park, but the museum was a bust! N and I were pretty excited about a few things there. We decided right away that we would figure out what we wanted to see rather than just the blind walk for hours.

Looking over the maps, we opted for about 4 major areas (not including the planetarium and the omni theater, which we were equally excited about). Well, our fun filled day at the museum was not to be. It appeared the things we went to see were either impossible to find or closed off for parties and renovations. So, on to the omni and planetarium only to find out that neither were included in our tickets. Well, we would have had to go all the way back to the front and wait in line to get these - F that...we skipped both :-(

Then it just got to be too much, nothing was really working out and there were so many people that I was just getting a little out of sorts. Nathan quickly saw that and used humor to keep me going - it worked!!! But, we had to get out of there quick...luckily the tickets were comp tickets due to his working for a partner company.

Next, we went back to the hotel for a little cozy naptime - I miss that the most...he always commented that I was so warm. I think it was because he was so easy to comfy into...ick...anyway, off to our one on one slumber. We had to prepare for our evening with E and his dog Molly.

Talk about great location! E has a lovely Manhattan apt that goes for about $2,500.00/mo (thanks Bloomberg). That seems crazy to me, but after seeing it - I would pay that in NYC. I have seen Ellen shows in which people pay thousands of dollars to live in a closet. He has 3 rooms and a great rooftop with a lovely and inspiring view. We talked and laughed while sipping wine in the wind...perfection. I loved both of these men at that very moment, and there was nowhere else I would rather be. We ended the time there with a live stream of our favorite MN radio station - the Current - and reminisced.

Nathan and I left in search of Karaoke so we could sing "We built this city", as knee deep in the hoopla was becoming quite the theme for us :-) However, we ended up at an Irish pub and an Irish bar - both were spectacular and allowed me to participate in two of my favorite leisure activities - D&D (Dropping a beat and Dancing). We danced all night until 4 am - then again took our place beside one another in peace and slumber.

Kisses on my neck and shoulders - then sleep, kisses on my neck and shoulders - then awake...what a lovely cycle!

Back to Reality :-(

2009-07-29T22:02:00.007-05:00

Well, here I am back at work and back to my current reality. AND I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT!!!!!! In fact, I feel sad and have very low energy the past two days since I have been home.

Right now I am just trying to get out of my slump. Took a little walkie walk with Amy today; that helped some, but still just feel kind of empty. I think I have been avoiding the fact that I need to first determine what it is that has me down, accept the feeling, and move on. I keep telling myself it was leaving New York City or having to come back here, but my gut tells me it is the fact that I am no longer spending every moment with one of my favorite people. Have I been kidding myself about how I feel? What the F just happened to us? What the F just happened to my head and my heart...I'm in a tailspin and I am freaking out!

I miss him...it hurts...I wonder what happens next...I wonder if he misses me...I wonder if he thinks of me...I wonder if he hurts...

I fucking hate ESPN for taking him from me here in MN!!!!!

I want to go see him in CT ASAP - this is NOT good...

To be continued...

22 hours and counting...

2009-07-22T16:36:00.007-05:00

In 22 hours, I will be in NYC :) I can not wait one more second, seriously. I am not sure what I am looking most forward...the art, the music, the soy burgers at McDonald's, or the company! Probably all of them together as my personal smorgasboard.

I am so eager to see my friend N. I don't think anyone could possibly understand. I am also nervous because we have such a history. Up and down for years and years. I think we both care more than we could ever admit to one another. It is scary to think of what the future holds for us, as this can only last so long...or can it really just stay status quo?

Until then, I will work 6.5 more hours for Mother Mayo and then off to my boy G's for some R&R - Riesling and Relaxation. He is so my fave for that - the plan is to introduce him to Don Vito Corleone, as they have not yet met :)

I was able to get into some pants that haven't fit for a "Bill Long" time, which is very exciting. And now it is 5 pm, so I am going to put on some jeans - yippee for closing time at Mayo :-)

Later

Practice makes perfect...

2009-07-21T16:14:00.004-05:00

So, I am not ever very good with consistency. I am easily bored and distracted. Anyway, I am really going to try to keep this blog going. I think it will be fun and perhaps therapeutic :)

I have tried to journal many times without success, but I have managed to exercise almost every day now for two months...so, I can apparently be trained.

Today is a good day. I have off at my practicum for the next week - hooray (sorry to my guys, but hey it is nice to have a break), and I work today/tomorrow then off till Tuesday. What is the occasion? Glad you asked, I am going to NYC baby!!! I am going to meet up with a good friend (N) and also meet up with an old friend (E).

In honor of this special occasion, my home girl LaSarah is doing my nails - french tip, yo. I am having a hard time sleeping at night because I am so excited. I find my mind racing with thoughts and words like "rata tat tat" and "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twe eh eh eh eh eh elve".

Hanging with my friend Logan, whom I adore on Wednesday and that makes my brain stop - yippee! That means tonight is my last restless night before I head off on the fun adventures of new Elisa...wish me luck :)

21 lbs today!!!

2009-07-20T21:39:00.005-05:00

It is official - I am down 21 lbs today! Let's go eat :)

Day one...60 days late

2009-07-20T19:45:00.008-05:00

My very first blog - yay! So, today I begin to log my journey. This is a journey that began the last day of May 2009, a day that I said "fuck it - it's time to bounce and roll". The day I became free of all the burdens, the pain, the work, and the self loathing. Uh oh...if history repeats itself...watch out world, here I come!!!!!